What are the main difficulties of parenting of 2 vs 1 ?
Posted by nw291@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 49 comments
For parents of 2+ kids, how much harder is it when the second comes along, in terns of intensity and lack of me time? Age gap would be 2 years.
FriendofFlounder@reddit
The berry budget.
Wiltix@reddit
So much fruit is eaten.
Moreghostthanperson@reddit
As they get older, there’s a lot of arguing/discussion about things being ‘fair’. We never play favourites, but there have been times when one gets/does something and the other feels it’s unfair, even though there will be times when they get something and the other doesn’t.
For example if one kid is invited to a friends birthday party, the other will say it’s unfair that they get to go to a party with cake, fun stuff etc, even though they might have a party to go to the following week or went to one last week/month. I feel like I’ve spent half my parenting journey explaining to both kids that “it all evens out in the long run even if you don’t always get exactly the same things at exactly the same time” bloody exhausting.
Also when the older one is old enough to do or have something, the younger one will seem most put out that they can’t also do/have the thing. Even though when they get to the same age they will have the same opportunities. This is probably worse if your kids are closer together in age, but I suppose it’s a good life lesson for them to learn that fairness doesn’t always equate to literally the same things at the same time.
-adult-swim-@reddit
It's pretty intense to start, but once they're able to play with each other it's much, much easier than having a single child. When you have just one, you are their entire source of entertainment, if you have more than one they have someone else to play with.
thickasabrick89@reddit
Aren't only children more likely to easily make friends at every given opportunity? All the only children I know are stellar at this. It also means the parents don't have to deal with 2 children with differing needs, 2 lots of potty training, 2 bedtimes, the stress and juggling only for the two children to be mortal enemies in some cases and the parents act as a referee from morning until night! Some siblings like each other but naturally for those who do, you have the siblings who don't!
-adult-swim-@reddit
I guess the 2 siblings thing can be applied to 1 child too, they might hate everyone and everything. I can only speak anecdotally, but for myself and my 3 kids they play loads, they can be nightmares sometimes and they do have, particular issues, I have other friends with multiple kids and they feel the same as I do, while the one mate I have with just 1 has just a few hours ago sent me a video of him playing ball in the park with his kid along with the text that he's so tired he can barely move and his kid is still wanting to play...
antc6249@reddit
I second this ☝🏼
Ok-Ebb5960@reddit
'Irish twins' 😸
stewmeister88@reddit
When you’re solo with both of them it’s difficult to enjoy either of them as you’re so split between them. I try to avoid any solo time with them (3.5y and 6m) because it just feels too much.
jumpy_finale@reddit
They can run in opposite directions
b_of_the_bang_@reddit
Someone once said to me that you should never have more kids than you have hands. Pretty sound advice and I stopped at 2.
Wonderful-Newt2181@reddit
My mum said 1st-life changing. 2nd more of the same 3rd out numbered 4th give up. My reply. But mum, I'm the 5th.
DrFirefairy@reddit
Yep. As a mum of twins for "baby number two" we are always outnumbered 🙈
Remote-Jellyfish-551@reddit
Having a second one is easier than having your first. There will be jealousy, arguing, screaming, biting but once they’re older they will be best friends and can keep each other entertained for hours.
alighieri85@reddit
Don’t do it! I felt conned when I was with two at home under 2.5. It was HARD. Leaving the house was a mammoth task with a toddler but a toddler and a new born. I didn’t spend as much time on the toddler as I wanted. I had severe sleep issues as newborn had terrible reflux and was asking for a feed every 45 minutes for first 12 weeks but couldn’t nap when she did as toddler was awake! It was awful. I love them dearly but I actively recommend not to do two year gaps whenever anyone asks…
Kids are now much much older. It had some benefits. Like playing together. But not many. Usually too close in age to be helpful but too apart in age to truly play nicely. Plus two in nursery overlapped for two years so we were v poor then.
I’ve always been envious of an age gap of 6 or 7 years when the eldest could appreciate the baby more and join in a bit.
Opening-Concert-8016@reddit
The wife and I are 4 months into this.
The 2nd child is a lot easier to raise then the first one. The challenge is you still have the first one. So whereas by now you can probably put the first one down to bed and then have a couple of hours to yourself to clean, catch up with the other half, exercise etc. One if you is then holding the baby. So much harder to find time.
For us personally, the older child wakes up at between 5-6 every morning. The wife and I used to take it in turns to do the morning shift. But now the baby is here and rh wife is up through the night feeding I'm doing every morning shift. And as the wife isn't getting loads of sleep in overnight I'm also having the new baby for 2-3 hours in the evening so the wife can go to bed early and get at least a couple of hours of unbroken sleep. Again, this is just us. The first child slept through the night from about 3 months onwards. The new baby is getting there but not there yet. I know some parents who have it the other way round etc
I think the main difference is for my wife. She's off work on mat leave, but that means she always has the baby. And then on days where we don't have cover for the 2 year old (my wife worked part time so had the 2 year old for 2 days out of the 5day work week) she now has both kids, and is knackered.
Basically, even though the second baby feel so much easier to look after as we know what we're doing you still have to look after 2 kids, who have 2 different needs (different ways to play, different ways to eat etc.)
What I keep trying to remind the wife is that this is only the short term. In a couple of months when the new baby sleeps through more often we'll be better rested. In a couple of years when the new baby is 2 and the oldest is 4 they'll start to entertain each other. In 5 years time when they're both at school we'll have a whole new routine.
Oh, the only other thing I'd say is nappies... Get your 2 year old potty trained ASAP. Two kids worth of nappies is just so many nappies
Spiritual_Ground_778@reddit
All of this is definitely a phase though, our kids are now 3 and 4.5, and they have the same needs, eat the same things, sleep at the same time etc...
We also found our second child was easier at the start, but that's also because she was an easier baby (same for baby n°3 right now!). That doesn't mean she was an easier toddler (e.g. our eldest slept a lot and was very easy to put to bed, when she would be up running around until 10pm!).
queenatom@reddit
Ugh, one of my main worries about the age gap we will have (basically 5 years, not by design) is that we don't know if ours will ever have the same needs.
Needs_a_shit@reddit
I’m piggybacking this because we are in such similar situations (mine are just turned 3 and 6 months) and you’re spot on with everything. The 3 year old has literally just this past month got out of nappies and my god has it helped.
bigpinkpiggy@reddit
Mine have a 16 month age gap. Baby stage was easier with the second but when they were toddlers it got tricky! I’d go to pack the baby bag for baby classes after getting them both dressed and come back to find them both stripped off 😂 The second just slotted into our routine though so it was perfect. It definitely made me get off my high horse thinking I was a perfect parent when I had one. My standards certainly slipped.
They’re 9 and 10 now and do fight quite a bit but they also keep each other entertained so it’s swings and roundabouts! Wouldn’t change it for the world.
Scottish_squirrel@reddit
You adapt because they are yours but eventually they run on completely different schedules unless they are super close in age. I mean their schedules start to clash. We often have parents night for 1 and school music performance for the other so need to divide and conquer. Raising 2 isn't much different than 1.
PinkGinFairy@reddit
I found the change from 1 to 2 much harder than going from 0 to 1. The first time around I was just as exhausted but I only had one person relying on me that much. My first born was just under 2 when my second arrived and he took it all so well but it was really tough trying to meet both their needs all the time. What I did find easier the second time was trusting myself and not feeling like I had to prove my parenting was good enough. I knew I knew what I was doing and I felt secure in my choices and judgement calls.
PercentageSea1212@reddit
I found going from 1 to 2 incomparabley harder than 0 to 1. Though I think this can entirely be down to the kids personality. Our first was an absolute angel, whereas the second is 666 incarnate, though i wouldn't have him any other way.
anxiousthroway85@reddit
Our age gap is six years. Genuinely thought we’d nailed that one. It’s not double the work it’s …..somehow more. They egg each other on.
When youngest was a baby and young toddler it was incredibly easy especially as the eldest wanted to lend a hand.
LampHops@reddit
It’s twice the work, first of all. Double meals, double mess.
Anyone who says ‘oh they play together which makes it easier than one’ is just…luck. I know one set of siblings who play nicely together. The rest are whacking each other, winding each other up, competing for mum’s attention.
By the time they get out of it, the eldest will be an 8 year old who can probably play nicely by themselves anyway.
And much less downtime. Baby can be napping, but eldest is roaming around causing chaos. Baby up at 5, eldest will have a lie in.
Something is always going on. No one is ever chill at the same time.
Me and my spouse do less long gym sessions, have less nights out solo because we know it’s so much harder on the other to have to juggle both kids. We obviously do make sure we have that time for ourselves, but we are aware of the impact. Harder to find family babysitters because of point a) it’s double the work.
Last holiday we went on was pretty much dogshit and divide and conquer. We miss each other more.
Being honest about my experience here because we felt a bit conned into having 2. Because apparently they just slot in. They don’t.
We love the second one of course, but it’s absolute grind and we wish a lot of time away tbh which we know isn’t right or fair at all. We are looking forward to having a 6 year old and an 8 year old and hope the attacking each other stops.
Wonderful-Newt2181@reddit
The initial baby stage is hard. Toddler not used to sharing/needs entertaining. So no sleeping when the baby sleeps. I can't really compare having only 1. But I do think having 2 is easier in many ways. I have 2 with a 2 year gap. Now both at school. They largely entertain each other and are mostly best friends. Some disputes need mediation to put it politely. It's double the clubs/running around as they get older. Watching them discover life together is a joy.
PingouinFluffy@reddit
Absolutely agree. It's easier as you don't have to entertain them, once you have passed the baby stage.
Emergency_Bread_5462@reddit
Delayed gratification. Tough to begin with, but the closer in age the simpler it is to satisfy both their needs at the same time. they both become independent at a similar time too as the youngest tends to strive to keep up with the eldest. OH and I are currently on our first holiday without kids (they’re home alone 18 & nearly 17).
PingouinFluffy@reddit
It's hard when they are babies, but it passes and then they become much easier and entertain themselves. We had 2 with a 3 year age gap and the 3 year old was fine. Age 2 may be a little harder, but before you know the younger one will become easier and they play together.
Kindly_Difference_99@reddit
I only have one but I imagine it could be the fact that even when one is chilled / asleep etc, the other one could still be running around and needing things resulting in never having any down time. At least that’s how I imagine it, chaos 24/7
iwantmorewhippets@reddit
My two had sleep troubles a couple of months ago, for well over a month. One wouldn't get to sleep until at least 11:30pm and the other was up at 4 for a couple of hours, back to sleep at 6 then having to wake up at 7 for school. I was getting 4 hours of sleep on a good night, it was exhausting, like newborn days exhausting. And because they are school age, I am supposed to be able to function in the real world.
Worried_Suit4820@reddit
We had the same experience; on one memorable Christmas Eve, the elder child was too excited to sleep until past 3 a.m. while the younger was awake and ready for the day at about half past 3.
tulki123@reddit
Or even worse, the second one waking up the sleeping one then you have a grumpy one and an energetic one!
Kindly_Difference_99@reddit
That as well 😂
Hot_Medium_30s@reddit
It the trying to make sure they don’t “ off” each other that most people struggle with. Soo you always on high alert
fructoseantelope@reddit
Everybody says 1-to-2 is nothing. It’s 2-to-3 which is the big difference. You have to switch from man to man marking to zonal defence.
DrFirefairy@reddit
We went form 1 to 3 ! (Unexpected twins) One to two would have been a breeze. We're always out numbered.
mrcushtie@reddit
One of my friends had two children because she thought it would be easier, "as they'd entertain each other". They fought constantly.
I have two kids, two years and five days apart. This sounds obvious and stupid in retrospect, but it turns out they don't have the same personalities and so the things that worked with the first one don't necessarily work with the second one. First time you were dealing with nappies, you didn't have a pint size version of you at your ankles, heckling, and many things that you learned turn out to be unhelpful. Case in point: I could tuck my eldest head into my shoulder and support them with my forearm as a child, and they'd sleep quite happily, leaving me a free hand to drink a beer while walking them around the house. Child #2 refused to sleep on me unless held vertically, so that was an unexpected disruption.
On the other hand, two years may be the sweet spot*. Your home may still be a chaotic mess from the first child, but it works, and you haven't got to a point where you've got used to not having masses of baby paraphernalia everywhere, so your lifestyle remains about as affected as before, rather than having a big disruptive shift.
Wizzpig25@reddit
Intense for the first 2-3 years, then it starts to pay off once they can play together without eyes on 100% of the time.
ajsexton@reddit
I go by the square rule 1 child = 1 difficulty 2 children = 4 as difficult as 1 (times of sleep, food, entertaining, teaching all varies etc) 3 = 9 4= 16 Etc.....
web3monk@reddit
I'd say one and two are bad options even though most common. 3 definitely gets easier. If you've got the car for it I bet 3-6 is sweet spot.
Eoin_McLove@reddit
I have a 20 month old and a 7 month old.
My eldest gets annoyed that the youngest can’t play with her. So when my youngest is old enough I can just let them get on with it.
Lower_River_5647@reddit
I’m not a parent but grew up with a sister 1.5 years younger than me. I would assume the dynamic of the family would change a lot. You’d have to worry about the fairness of how you treat them both as an imbalance can really mess with kids perceptions of their siblings and later on their perception of you.
On the flip side, having a sibling allows your child to always have someone they somewhat relate to.
Me and my sister haven’t always had the best of relationships (due to a multitude of reasons) but that shared childhood is something that nobody else has. My sister is sometimes the ONLY person I can talk to about certain issues.
Willsagain2@reddit
It is much more than twice the work, somehow. The biggest challenge is working against the feeling each partner has that they are doing the lion's share of the work. You have to work as hard on your understanding of that destructive feeling by focusing on teamwork, as you do on actual care of a new baby and a toddler.
crgoodw@reddit
We only had the one, but friends had 2 with a 2 year gap and the biggest issue was always that the little one couldn't communicate as well as the older one, so it led to a lot of fighting and arguments, purely because Littly didnt understand why they couldn't have what their brother had, or wasn't as receptive to gentle 'please don't do that'. Sleep schedules were also a bit of a nightmare, I dont think our friends shared a bed for like, 3 years, due to one setting off the other. It got much easier once Littly reached 3 or so, and was a bit better at understanding instructions and boundaries.
surfermark99@reddit
Kate Winslet did an excellent Cbeebies bedtime story for Children in Need that explains it pretty perfectly. The book she read is called "Two is a million more than one."
Spiritual_Ground_778@reddit
londonflare@reddit
Different sleep patterns are a killer. If one wakes up at 5am but goes asleep early and the other doesn’t go to sleep until later but will stay asleep until 8am that would be savage.
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