Why do a lot of married people not sustain their friendships?
Posted by SnooozeFezt@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 59 comments
[removed]
Posted by SnooozeFezt@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 59 comments
[removed]
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
If I can give a counter-example. My wife managed to let me see how toxic one of my friends was, and when she finally went too far I chucked her out of my house (she was visiting) and blocked her
Sometimes its additional perspective.. realising that it isn't "their quirk", its "their very real problem with other people"
dinkidoo7693@reddit
Seen this happen with a few of my friends too, they got into a relationship it gets intense fast, they quickly move in together or get married and are never available anymore, then when they break up and are moaning when I can’t or don’t want to hang out.
My experience of these friends are that they are usually controlled by their partners who have batted their self esteem and they were made to feel like they shouldn’t be around people if their partner isn’t there too.
Bossman_Mike@reddit
Yep, seen this too.
As soon as a friend gets into a relationship everything has to be done as a couple and the social life just dries up. They basically ghost you.
The-Fifth-Elephant@reddit
This comment triggers my PTSD lol, my ex did exactly this to me. I thank the Lord for my best friend and Dad who stepped in and gave me some very honest words about her and how I was acting. I hold my hands up and admit that I got things wrong during the relationship, but my God she was horrible. If your partner wants to control every aspect of your life please run fast.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
People get exhausted, work all week, time with kids, housework, DIY, family commitments.
Then the monthly friends night comes up...you just make an excuse and sleep.
zeppo2k@reddit
I actually think if you've got a monthly (or whatever) meeting organised you've got a chance of keeping up. It's when you arrange things haphazardly that one week turns into a month turns into six months turns into no friends.
Competitive_Test6697@reddit
100% I'm actually not once of the people I described. I'm the one that turns up and organises things.
A plan is a plan.
Tao626@reddit
Basically, yea.
I'm at work for 40+ hours a week (before the commute) which already begrudgingly takes up a lot of my time and energy. I'm also socialising with my co-workers during that time even on days where I would just like to be left alone, which takes up a lot of that social energy, especially as somebody who loves being left to do things on my own.
I'm already physically and socially done before I even have free time. Work gets the best slice of that pie.
By the time I'm home, I probably can't be bothered with anybody but my partner, and part of that is because as we live together, we can happily do our own thing even if we're in the same room, not feeling the need to constantly do big things or have non-stop chats when we know we'll see eachother every day...Which doesn't really fly with a friend. If we're hanging out, obviously they'll want to chat and do stuff when, mate, I want quiet.
Then I've got my own shit going on. Gotta keep up on the housework and other things that aren't really a choice, I want to do things with my partner so we're more than just room mates. I've got my own hobbies and interests I want to engage with which I've probably been looking forward to doing all week, finding time blocks to fit it in that don't interfere with other things. I've put off mowing the lawn or cleaning the car for the past few weeks since those are more tasks where I'm going to have to drop something I would rather do.
I'm at a stage where I don't find the time to fit in more or new things, I have to replace things I currently do when I need to start doing something new. Friend are an unintentionally easy thing to let fall to the wayside. "Out of sight, out of mind", I guess. I don't even have kids. If I did, I wouldn't "squeeze them in" to my schedule, they would outright replace other things.
ladyrailly@reddit
Seconded this entirely as an introvert working a public facing social job for 40+ hrs a week. My partner is my priority after that, he is the only one who understands me 100% and I am completely and utterly comfortable around even if we are in the same room doing our own things.
Would I love friends, yes. Would I love the many hours and days and expended energy trying and failing, and maybe eventually meeting regularly with one or two worthwhile people after some time, and then having one more commitment drain my social reserves that are left near empty after a normal week …
Wooden_Astronaut4668@reddit
This! I work, I prioritise spending my days off with my immediate family (partner, daughter) and then extended family (parents, siblings, nephews, grandparents) and thats it, before you know it, 2 years since you last saw your friend!
This is what happens with me and my longest friendship, never any issue though, its just life, we catch up and the cycle continues!
hulmesweethulme@reddit
Yes! My circle has become much smaller.
Weekdays are for work, gym, cooking, cleaning, and doing all the prep work for the next day and if I’m lucky some down time with my partner.
Weekends are for renovating, more cleaning, more cooking, tidying up the garden, maybe doing some exercise, and again maybe go to the pub with my partner
The weekend I go home every two months (Manchester to London) per month, I want to see my mum and my brother and my best friend. I have to be much more intentional about who I spend time with.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
And a lot of people don't have suitable childcare, or their friends organise things that don't work well for parents. It's hard to relax and party when you have to get up with a toddler the next day.
Lynvor@reddit
Monthly?
JennyW93@reddit
I don’t have a partner or kids, but a lot of the above (housework, DIY, work) still apply and still make it hard for me to make time for people, so I can only imagine the extra toll of maintaining a relationship/marriage and raising children.
It’s rough. There’s no point resenting each other. Just try your best to make space for people when you can, even if that’s just a quick “thinking of you” text.
StarSpotter74@reddit
This for me
anabsentfriend@reddit
I'm still good friends with my married friends who have moved across the country. I see them (either individually or together) about three times a year and I go and stay with them at least once. In between we text.
It takes effort, especially as they have two children under ten.
I just don't think a lot of people can be bothered or just start friendships within new social circles. This seems ti happen a lot when people become parents and start spending time with other parents.
Novel-Case6821@reddit
All the reasons folk have said but just include them back in, life is short.
JollyConfusion2545@reddit
There's this thing about some couples wanting only to be friends with other couples, for some reason. So individual friends get frozen out. I've seen this is typically one side of the partnership driving it, who will either make things difficult for individual friendships or any friends the other side has. Over a long time they can control who sees whom and eventually freeze everyone out, not healthy.
shortandfelly@reddit
I've seen it with friends who have had kids. I'm happy to meet up and do kid-friendly things (I neither have nor want kids) but they seem to just want to see their friends who also have kids. I'm not expecting them to drop everything and go for a weekend away, I'm more than happy to do a trip to the park or something. It's not the kid-free people choosing not to meet up, it's the ones with kids.
I have a friend who has two kids under 5. It really does feel like nothing has changed when we meet up. 18 months ago, we went to see the Very Hungry Caterpillar in the theatre (my idea 😂), went to the park in town and I went down the big slide with her toddler and then we went for pizza. Genuinely lovely day out!
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
I wouldn't invite a friend with no children to the park, I'd assume you wouldn't want to go. It's no fun for us, I definitely wouldn't go without my kid. And people sometimes offer to do things with my kid but then are visibly a little annoyed at having to adapt and things not being as they expected. And i feel my attention is being split, it's just not that enjoyable. Also, I hate to say it I have one friend who'd do stuff like go down the slide with my kid and personally I like to be hands off in the park, I'm teaching my kid to be independent because maybe I'm in the park several times a week and don't want to go down the slide all the time.
shortandfelly@reddit
Yeah, but my friends know I'm happy to do kid-friendly stuff. Do I want to do it every week? Hell no, but it'd never be a weekly thing. Can I handle a trip to the park once or twice a year if I get to see my friends? Yeah. I also like my friends' kids. It's not that hard to understand 😂
Regarding the slide, my friend asked me if I'd mind going up with the toddler as it's quite a big climbing frame and not really suitable at her age unsupervised. Toddler got to the slide, paused, I asked her if she wanted to go down together and she nodded, otherwise I was just going to follow down after her. My friend also went down with her. It wasn't to do with teaching her kid independence. Fair play if you let yours go on their own, but that is completely irrelevant to the occasion I was describing.
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
Fair enough, if your friend asked, I'm pretty big on my kid not doing things if she can't do it herself and it just happens to be something a friend of mine does and that is difficult for me to handle. Also, for future reference it's actually pretty dangerous to go down a slide with a toddler, it can break their legs.
You may not mind park trips and your friends' children but it's hard for parents to know if their friends are actually ok with it or inwardly groaning.
DameKumquat@reddit
It goes both ways - when I had kids some childless friends would still want to meet up for meals in restaurants, and then be grumpy when I'd be spending 90% of the time dealing with the children.
Some of the childless friends were fantastic and would help entertain a kid so I could join in the concentration and all, but others drifted away. Some drifted back when the kids got older.
Sometimes it's not kids - I know some couples who have acquired needy dogs so can no longer leave home for more than two hours, because Dog gets travel sick/needs walking/gets sad if left alone. I suspect at least one of those is just to disguise that the couple just like staying home with their DIY and craft projects.
Sad_Cardiologist5388@reddit
A lot of people don't know how to or that they should establish healthy relationships, they get enmeshed and almost become a brundle-fly like being with their significant other. Ignoring or pretending they dont have needs. Eventually this can lead to resentment and disharmony.
What you're looking for is this period to pass and for the couple to differentiate. So they have friends, communicate their needs and pursue hobbies away from the partnership then return to their safe base and that be ok with everyone involved.
iamnotarobotniks@reddit
As someone very independently minded and who does not live together with my boyfriend, I at times already find it hard enough to maintain my own relationship let alone friendships. I imagine the deeper down the "family rabbit hole" you are, the less energy you have for other things. A natural progression of life.
Marvel--Jesus@reddit
A "friend night" is a strange concept ?
I don't have any "friends" so maybe It's just me ?
I'm male, my better half yaps all the time on the phone to her friends & family, but no monthly gatherings thankfully.
Cool_Doubt2152@reddit
We have the opposite problem of this. We had a baby last year and are the first of our friend group and it feels the opposite and that nobody asks if we want to do things with them anymore. We always invite friends over for a barbecue/takeaway or for a drink in the pub on a Saturday afternoon (our local is family friendly) which used to be a normal occurrence for our group of friends but since we had a baby everyone is 10x more flaky and rarely asks us.
I think for lots of people a life event often means a change in friend group dynamic, and can consciously or unconsciously mean they are better or worse at being a friend. It’s not an excuse but often life gets in the way, some people make assumptions that because you’re XYZ that you might not want to do XYZ anymore, etc. The reality is that friendships in themselves are like a marriage these days, you’ve both got to make the effort and some are better at doing it than others. It might take them a divorce to realise they are actually quite lonely and have been a crappy friend, the least they can do is try to rectify it
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
We were the last to have kids and spent years going to toddler parties, then when we had one they all had preteens who had football or something and wouldn't be seen dead at a toddler party. That's just what happens sometimes.
Cool_Doubt2152@reddit
Yeah for sure, different stages of life etc. We aren’t being bitter about it, we’re still always making an effort but it’s more that it doesn’t go unnoticed
Wooden-Attention-261@reddit
Did you make friends in your antenatal classes?
Cool_Doubt2152@reddit
We’ve made a few but we don’t see them on the regular. I see some of the mums once every few weeks for a meet up which is nice, and we’re all in a WhatsApp group chat and talk regularly even if we don’t see each other loads
Wooden-Attention-261@reddit
Maybe if your children go to the same schools you'll stay friends. That can make things easier.
summers_tilly@reddit
I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I work full time. I have aging parents with health issues. I’m trying to get healthier (pre-diabetic). These things take up a lot of my brain space. I make it for birthdays and big events. I will be there in a crisis. I miss the easy dynamic of friendship pre-kids. But this is the season of life I’m in and I hope people are understanding about it. I’ve seen with others how you can reclaim a bit of time when the kids get older so I’m hoping some of that old dynamic can return.
andytdj@reddit
Unrelated, but shout out to you for tacking the health aspect. My parents are going through issues directly related to lifestyle factors and it is hell to watch them and not be able to do anything about it. I'm certain your kids will thank you for making that a priority. Keep on keeping on.
Psittacula2@reddit
Much harder when people no longer grow up and live in local communities - friends you make younger tend to last longer and harder to make new friends as you age and your time and responsibilities increase.
People who stay local have loads of people they still interact with daily eg local pub or local sports club they knew as kids at school etc.
Beartato4772@reddit
Over protective spouse.
Which is probably why they're divorced.
EvilTaffyapple@reddit
Or maybe people prefer their spouse to their mates?
SyntaxOfTheDamned@reddit
Well thats simply not true
EvilTaffyapple@reddit
…for you.
You don’t speak for me.
lilphoenixgirl95@reddit
I know my soon-to-be husband does. I have to tell him to see his friends and he still rarely does it. He tells me he missed me and gives me a big hug if he’s out the house for more than 3 hours haha.
visitingshortly@reddit
Agree very strange also seems to be more a UK phenomenon I’ve noticed. In the US and Asia I’ve noticed it far less.
JohnCasey3306@reddit
Can't relate. I see one friend group monthly give or take; and my oldest friend who I (44) met when I was 4, I see most weeks.
notThaTblondie@reddit
Because thats how abuse works. Healthy relationships aren't isolating, bit there's nothing an abuser hates more than a single friend who can see through their shit. I've lost a few really good friends because the husband or boyfriend didn't want me around.
lilphoenixgirl95@reddit
It is not always because of abuse.
notThaTblondie@reddit
No, not always, lives drift, priorities change. But it is a very common part of abuse to isolate and the healthy relationships I know are still able to make time for friends and be people that aren't entirely defined by their partner
YouCantArgueWithThis@reddit
Peopleing is hard. Especially when you have one of them in your life, home, bed, in the face, all the time. Who needs more of that, right?
blue_rizla@reddit
I mean, it’s mostly kids isn’t it? Kids take up all your time outside of work, it’s hard to maintain friendships when there are a bunch of small people who are reliant on you for their development and personal and financial safety
smurphinden@reddit
It's utterly exhausting if you have children. My really good friends understand and make the majority of the effort whilst never making me feel bad.
Wooden-Attention-261@reddit
I'm sorry to tell you this but their spouses didn't like you! I've seen this many times. Still, making you give up your friends is clearly a red flag in any marriage.
Remote-Jellyfish-551@reddit
I don’t think being married is the issue here but how modern society works. Both husband and wife have to work, children are in childcare from 8-18 every weekday, then cook, clean, kids bedtime at which point it is at least 8-9 pm. Who has time to maintain friendships?
I certainly don’t.
lilphoenixgirl95@reddit
In my case, I have a severe genetic illness which has reduced how often I can go out and do things. Additionally, I lost the majority of my friends over time by about the age of 26 anyway. Not due to a falling out, some just preferred their other friends. Some were transient work friends.
I also lost my friends in waves. At the end of primary school, almost every one of my closest friends moved away, sometimes all the way to places like Canada. Others were placed in different secondary school classes/bands to me and we developed very different friend groups. One went to a different school and her parents likely discouraged her from continuing the friendship (they did not appreciate the class differences).
We lost touch. At the end of secondary school, one moved to Germany. A year later, my very best friend at the time also moved to Germany to be with her now-husband. I probably had one actual fallout in that period, and it was someone who misinterpreted something I said.
I apologised repeatedly and said I was wrong to say that; I didn’t mean to upset or hurt her. It didn’t matter. 12 years of friendship gone. She ultimately lived a very different life to me in the end and developed different types of friendship groups.
Some of my university friends didn‘t like it when I was going through a hard time and acting ‘messy’ and ‘emotional’ due to severe trauma and undiagnosed serious illness around the age of 24/25 whilst they were settled down with their boyfriends which would eventually become their husbands.
I found mine on my 26th birthday and almost immediately developed the same sort of lifestyle as them, but by then the damage had already been done and they weren’t interested in reconciling long-term.
My best friend for 9 years has about 8 other best friends. I’m going to be a bridesmaid for her upcoming wedding but I’m not her closest friend even though she is mine. My other best friend is my sister; we’ve been close since we were kids. We’re only 3 years apart. She’s an older zoomer and I’m right on the cusp of millennial/zoomer. So we get along very well and have similar senses of humour.
So, I simply don’t have friends anymore, and that happened before I met my partner 5 years ago.
lavayuki@reddit
For all my married friends their lived are consumed by the kids, school runs and the many many after school activities, scouts, family time etc that thete is no time for friendship.
If I get to meet a friend who is married with kids, its like once or twice a year and its usually on a weekday morning when kids are at school, because evenings and weekends are for the kids.
Same for phone calls, it always has to be a weekday morning.
Puzzled-Sundae-3089@reddit
My closest friends are those I only see once a year, ngl.
My closest friend’s husband called me a few weeks ago.
I talk to her weekly but not seen in years.
I went immediately to assist.
I think most adult friendships strengthen over time and ups and downs wo the monthly friend dinners.
Though I think that’s a great idea.
We just barely had time for life when the kids were young. Survival mode!
Lion-Resident@reddit
Are you a high earner?
annedroiid@reddit
Definitely more about kids than being married. When they're young it's exhausting and then once they start school there's constant activities on the evenings/weekends to take them to
cactusdotpizza@reddit
Same reason you might not have kept up with nursery friends when you go to primary school, or primary school friends at secondary school, or school friends when you go to college/uni or uni friends when you move away.
Your life changes. And one of the most significant changes you can make is getting married and/or having kids.
Sure, some people are kept isolated by their partner, but a lot of people may not have the capacity for keeping up with friends consistently alongside a partner, kids, work and new friends
Constipated_Orca@reddit
I don't think it's the marriage but rather what a lot of people here have said - kids.
There's also the fact that we change as people. I'm not the same today as when I met my wife. Luckily we are still a very good match, but could go the other way too.
polka-dotss@reddit
Because if you have kids every evening and weekend seems to be filled with something then you also need to include family time and extended family. It's then nearly impossible to find a date when everyone is free! We try hard to see friends but sometimes it's like once every three months and has to be booked well in advance.
So.. I guess.. life!
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