The Golden Telephone

Posted by RavingRationality@reddit | Jokes | View on Reddit | 52 comments

A man who was touring all the great cathedrals of Europe. He starts in Notre-Dame, and he is confused to see a golden telephone on a marble pillar. He asks the bishop what is for.

"Oui, monsieur. Zat ees a direct line to 'eaven. Pour one thousand Euros, you may speak weeth Dieu."

The man rolls his eyes and moves on.

Later on in Cologne, he sees the same thing. The Bishop gives him the same answer:

"Ja, mein Herr. Zis iss a direct line to Himmel. Fur ein tousand Euros, you may sprechen mit Gott."

Later on in St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, he's shocked and disappointed to see the same thing. The Cardinal tells him, "Si, signore. Dat isa directa linea to Paradiso. For one thousand Euro, you cana talka to God."

Utterly disgusted by the profiteering, he finishes his tour at a tiny chapel in Scotland.

To his shock, he sees another golden telephone on a marble pillar. "Lemme guess, a thousand pounds to talk to god?"

"Nae, lad. 20 pence."

"What? Everywhere else in Europe it was a thousand euros?"

"Aye, but ye're in Scotland, noow, lad. It's a local call."

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JamboForrest@reddit

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.

And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whisky which means "The Water of Life". The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!"

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paulcager@reddit

Englishman here: I did not see that coming!

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JamboForrest@reddit

I'm married to one!

Kevin33024@reddit

When I heard first this joke, the last country was Israel.

Yeahnahthatscool@reddit

Hardly heaven these days thanks to Israel though.

Sea_Is@reddit

Same :)

w_smith1984@reddit

The version I heard had the local call be from Salt Lake City

gregory92024@reddit

Username checks out

anbarbar@reddit

I'm 51 years old and it's the first time I hear that joke 🤣

RavingRationality@reddit (OP)

I've been telling it for probably 40 years. It's more fun to tell in person, though. Accents are harder to write.

abofh@reddit

You did it well. Not sure why God is Scottish, but whatever, surprised and made me laugh

Common-Project3311@reddit

It’s because Scotland is as beautiful as Heaven.

IanKorat@reddit

Scotland is known as God’s own country.

apr400@reddit

If you said 'God's own country' to anyone in the UK they would almost certainly associate the phrase with Yorkshire.

history_buff_9971@reddit

I've always heard it as Scotland. Our southern neighbours do like to imagine we just do whatever they do. I imagine most countries would tell that joke with their own at the centre, only in the UK are the Scots supposed to put another country before their own. Jog on.

Lol. Not English. And Yorkshire is famously called ‘gods own country’ whichever country you come from. Scotland is lovely but no one is calling it that on a daily basis.

I've heard that, but I also hear Scots say it far more about Scotland in Scotland.

Fair enough. I have never heard a Scots person saying that even when I lived there for years, whereas I’ve never met a Yorkshireman who doesn’t try and wedge it in to every conversation they have.

viri0l@reddit

I've heard that about Yorkshire, minus the "r" :P

Infamous_Box3220@reddit

In the version I heard it was Yorkshire.

Because it's exceptionally fun to say that punchline with a thick brogue.

emptyc0conut@reddit

Trust me, I read it with an accent.

stella93_@reddit

I'm going to save it so I can tell my friends

Material-Speed6190@reddit

I tell it about my Island, it’s not as embellished as this though. I might have to steal some things, thanks!

Frido1976@reddit

same, albeit "only" 49. That's a nice, new one! Refreshing. But why is God from Scotland?

EngineersAnon@reddit

Where should He be from?

Who? 😉

TinyNiceWolf@reddit

Gallifrey.

Bulletloader@reddit

Would have thought it obvious, he has a Scots accent. Och aye the noo

Head_Razzmatazz7174@reddit

I've heard it, with several variations on which country has the local call.

GreatGatorBolt@reddit

Every joke contains an element of truth. And the first time this joke was told the truth was that in Ireland a call to Heaven is a local call.

Strive--@reddit

Hi, same age buddy.

Omeganian@reddit

Israel's out of fashion nowadays, I see.

Rezruner@reddit

The last place is definitely Texas, everyone knows that it’s God’s Country!

Sandy_NSFW_@reddit

Shouldn't the local call be at the Vatican?

Valuable-Paramedic93@reddit

Dave picked up and said ," tha Dia trang a’ gairm air ais nas fhaide air adhart " !!

Gold-Comfort5185@reddit

Everyone knows how they end this joke in Texas. It’s also a funny version because it’s so obviously not true. Sort of like ending it with Bakersfield, CA or Gary, IN.

This is a good joke, but in a few more years nobody will understand it. My grandchildren have never heard of local calls or long distance calls - to them, all calls are the same. They’ve also never heard of a phone book, yellow pages, or directory assistance.

Healthy_Ladder_6198@reddit

Grin you tell #34 very well

jim_bobs@reddit

Insert country of preference :)

Evening-Tomatillo-47@reddit

Yorkshire

oxgillette@reddit

It’s the only place where it would be a local call

Roku-Hanmar@reddit

Nowhere else has any good tea

digadigadig@reddit

So they’re growing tea in Yorkshire now?

and it is Gods own country

On Ilkla Mooar Baht 'at, to be precise