Mental health and becoming an expat
Posted by belikethebison@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 30 comments
Long post ahead.
Is there anyone else in here that has mental health issues and also has become an expat?
I would want some advice and insight from people who's been in similar situations. And please, I don't want to be lectured about my way of doing things. I hope this subreddit is a safe space.
I have depression, cptsd and anxiety and I've had that for a long time. Now I'm taking medication for it after refusing for many years.
I moved from Sweden to Italy almost 2 years ago. I had a horrible job and I just wanted to get away and live with my partner who's italian.
Because of my mental health I struggle to learn the language and integrate into society here. I know that it's "stupid" to move to a country and not knowing the language. I tried but I was feeling burnt out from work and my mental health was terrible.
Now I can understand day to day conversations at least and make myself understood. Where I live some people talk in heavy dialect which is impossible for me to understand.
I'm too anxious to hang out with my partners family when they go to restaurants or the café. So I feel really isolated. I am an introvert so I don't feel too bad about it but I just want to be normal and fit in. I thought I could break away from these issues when I moved here.
Sometimes I miss sweden. I miss the predictable day to day. The routines. Knowing what people are talking about. Not feeling pressure to socialize. I was used to Swedish culture where people keep to themselves and follow rules etc. Here in Italy people are much more themselves and they can be loud and take up space. Everything got really overwhelming at first.
In Sweden I would feel like an outsider too around people. I'd get anxious going outside sometimes. Now it's much worse cause I'm scared that someone would say something to me.
I live in a small village. Going on a walk you're almost expected to say hello to everyone you meet, which I understand is of course a good thing but I hate it. There's not much to do if I would try to get out and get in touch with people here naturally.
Does it get any better?
Technical-Neck7407@reddit
I moved from the US to The Netherlands with mental health issues. I was stable on meds when I moved here, but we moved to a small village and I was very isolated and began to beak down a bit. I went to a GP to get referred to a psychiatrist. It helps that the Dutch mostly speak English. A year after that I moved to Amsterdam. That was 1999. Not going to lie, it wasn’t easy. I had money worries, housing was expensive and in short supply and I struggled learning the language so I could go to law school here. It slowly got easier.
I found things to occupy my time: Language classes, work, school. I slowly began meeting people. Then around 2002, my friend group greatly expanded. Mostly expats, but some Dutch. I’ve been to different psychologists and psychiatrists over the years and take Welbutrin as well as a mood stabilizer. Up until now I’ve only spoken to mental health professionals in English. It would probably help you to get online psychotherapy in Swedish.
It does get better, really!
I can’t imagine moving back to the US. I’m quite content here. There was a big adjustment period, even though everyone here speaks perfect English. I can’t stress enough how learning the local language will make your life 100% easier. It really unlocks the culture and makes connecting with people easier. My Dutch friends still speak English to me but I will answer them back in Dutch.
Party_Nothing_7605@reddit
How long have you been on the meds?
Speaking as someone with mental health issues (depression, anxiety, adhd, eating disorder), moving abroad did cause a flare up of one of the worst mental health crises of my life.
belikethebison@reddit (OP)
Since April. Been trying different ones. I was on Zoloft for 4 months. Started Wellbutrin 2 months ago. Tried some different augmentation medicine but nothing was good. So I'm still just on Wellbutrin now but increased the dose a few days ago. I see my psychiatrist once a month. It's been rough to try to find something that would help me to get out of this hole. I know there's no miracle pill but I definitely need something to get me going and to take the edge off the worst of it. Can you tell me more about your experience with moving abroad and having mental health issues? If you don't mind.
Party_Nothing_7605@reddit
I’m on Zoloft as well, it does take a while to find the right meds which is frustrating so I feel for you
My experience was that my mental health nosedived in Amsterdam i think from several causes: the housing crisis, housing issues and landlord issues, the weather, a strained romantic relationship, and dealing with a new job and new culture and environment, combined I think it was really just too much and then when the relationship ended it got a lot lot worse. i experienced episodes of derealization/dissociation, panic attacks, self harm behaviors etc. i was able to finally find an English speaking psychologist but I think it was honestly the meds that helped the most and I was kind of angry how long it took for me to finally get meds from my gp. The Zoloft tremendously helped. That being said im not anti therapy and Id encourage you to try that as well
rgrgrgrgrgrr@reddit
Came here to say this. Sometimes even just switching manufacturers of the same medication can cause huge mental health symptoms. But therapy along with medication is key. I hope op has a trusted therapist!
MirabellaJean962@reddit
Do you feel like the meds are working? They might not, seeing you are still so reclusive. If it's this bad in Italy after 2 years, I don't see it getting better unless you seriously address your mental health (potentially not even then, because Italians are loud and tiresome in my experience too to be honest, and it might just be a cultural incompatibility). Are you in therapy?
belikethebison@reddit (OP)
I've been trying different types of medications. It's been rough. Haven't found one that is effective really. Now I'm on Wellbutrin for 2 months and just increased the dose a few days ago. I meet with my psychiatrist once a month. Unfortunately there's no one there who speaks English for me to go to therapy to. If I can afford it I could look into doing it online with a swedish psychologist.
Thr04w4yFinance@reddit
yeah it’s rough. moving countries doesn’t make your brain magically reset. i get why you hoped it would, though. being somewhere totally new can feel freeing and terrifying at the same time.
belikethebison@reddit (OP)
I knew I would bring my issues with me but I thought that it would at least be easier not having to worry about my horrible job everyday. I thought I could be more at peace and be able to heal. When things get more stable maybe I can slowly gather myself together again.
stepmathapp@reddit
I totally get the dialect overwhelm. When I was dealing with similar stuff, I needed low-pressure ways to stay engaged with the language without social anxiety kicking in. I picked up this habit of reading NomadLingo each morning, just a simple email with local news in the language I was learning. It kept me connected on my bad days. You're not alone in this, it does get easier in waves
belikethebison@reddit (OP)
Dialect can be crazy haha it's like a whole new language. NomadLingo seems to be a paid service? I have a huge study book but I have barely picked it up. I do Duolingo right now. I hope I can get some more motivation and get more serious with learning. Thank you for the kind words! 🙏
Striking_Temptation@reddit
You are only at the 2 year mark. It gets better. You will adapt and if you make it, will feel at home around the 15 year mark🤣
Adapt.
Sī fuerīs Rōmae, Rōmānō vīvitō mōre; sī fuerīs alibī, vīvitō sīcut ibī ✨️
belikethebison@reddit (OP)
Haha that's a long way to go 😁 What region of Italy do you live in?
Striking_Temptation@reddit
We have a house around Lago di Garda.
belikethebison@reddit (OP)
Wow nice! It seems beautiful there!
madeleinegnr@reddit
I developed mental health issues while living in Africa as an expat. I lived in 2 different countries and trying to find therapists was hard. The first country had very few therapists and all my friends used the same one. So I’d try to avoid saying things that would identify my friends but it was hard when you’re going on the same weekend trips. I tried BetterHelp when I moved to the second African country and wasn’t sure who could help me. It was terrible and I don’t recommend. I’m not sure what the answer is to how you’re feeling but it sounds like you might be happier in Sweden. I understand the feeling of living like you’re in a village. Although I lived in a big African city, all expats would go to the same places so I could never go out without bumping into someone I knew. Sometimes that got tiring and I felt like I always had to look like my best self since I would see someone from work each time. And I found it tiring.
belikethebison@reddit (OP)
Hmm I don't know. Life in Sweden was not the best either. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for 10 years and I have not accepted medicine for it. I've been through therapy though, a couple of years of it. I had a horrible job that was breaking me mentally. I would come home so tired, angry and sad and just cry and lay down on the couch to rest. I didn't have any friends. I felt like I had nothing really keeping me in Sweden. I felt like I was really to turn the page and see what else is out there. Now it didn't turn out the way i thought. But it can still become something nice.
terdles1121@reddit
Like yourself, I have been diagnosed with all those acronyms and then some. I would also say that I was in some very similar situations too. I was an absolute shut in when I lived in the US. For a large part of the past decade, I wanted to live abroad. For most of my life, I used moves as a way of escaping a part of myself. So I've always tried to run away from my internal issues ever since I was 18.
I worked on myself for over 10 years on/off in therapy and actually put into practice what we talked about in therapy (this is the hard part, not just showing up). Over those 10 years I got myself to a point where I learned the tools to manage those diagnoses.
The year leading up to my move, I worked with my therapist to make sure packing up and leaving was not a part of my old habits of escapism but actually wanting new experiences and a different kind of life.
I would recommend that you speak with a therapist and work with them on your diagnoses, learn techniques to help you adjust, and to adapt to your new environment.
From my perspective as a therapist, I would say you have nothing to be afraid of her family, or the cafe, or the people of this small town. In my experience people are generally welcoming or dont actually give a shit about you to judge you. So that anxiety is most likely your own internal thoughts.
If you learn to notice them, challenge them, and reframe them, you will have a much better time in life.
belikethebison@reddit (OP)
Wow that's impressive work! My psychiatrist says there's nobody at the clinic there that speaks English unfortunately. I'd have to try and see if I can access therapy online with a swedish therapist. Another layer that complicates things is that I have stress induced ibs which makes restaurant visits etc extra hard. But I definitely need and want to practice and face my fears. Go to a café and order for myself and stuff like that. In Sweden we have a lot of immigrants and you always understand them one way or another. I don't know what's on the other side of this and I want to find out.
Party_Nothing_7605@reddit
I know this is probably personal and differs for people but how do you know if you’re truly and honestly not using moving as an escapism method vs honestly doing it for the experience?
terdles1121@reddit
Like you said, everyone's reason to do what they do is different and varies between people. You ultimately need to be honest with yourself.
Ask yourself, why do I want to move, live, or spend a long period abroad. Are you running towards something, are you running away from something, and are these things internal or external? I would recommend putting those reasons on paper. Putting it down on paper makes it so you can't weasel your way around them in your head. Even better doing it in pen so you can't erase it.
Something that worked well for me while I was in therapy that I later incorporated into my own therapy practice with my clients, and that I am taking with me into my Expat and Travel Abroad Coaching practice is VALUES!~
Strip away all the excess, all the noise, materialistic wants, societal/familial/whatever expectations, who are you? What are your personal and fundamental values as a personal that gives you joy, fulfillment, that lights you up?
Its not easy to do because it requires people to be vulnerable and honest with themselves to see who they really are deep down. In my opinion, society operates on a very surface level and we're not very comfortable diving deeper.
You can try to google values worksheets, most of them are the same. Start off with a list of 10 values, then narrow it down to 5.
Having someone guide you and ask you the hard questions that require introspection goes a long way.
Party_Nothing_7605@reddit
Is it normal for values to shift over time?
I definitely think a big part of my struggles surrounding being an expat and deciding if it’s something I want to do again come down to not knowing who I 100% am vs what my culture society family etc have shaped me to be. I have major identity issues loo
Future_Literature335@reddit
Yes it's normal for values to shift over time. Values are driven by whatever you perceive to be most lacking in your life. Over time, you slowly satiate yourself with whatever's missing until you are "satiated" and feel that that void is filled (at least enough for now). Then you move on to something else. And then again. And again.
Vastly oversimplified explanation but yes it's totally normal and a sign of growth.
terdles1121@reddit
This is a tough question that can be answered with yes, no, depends. LOL
It is a subject of philosophical and psychological debate.
I will send you a DM.
David_Blaha@reddit
Many expats go through the same cycle. The first years feel rough and lonely, then slowly routines, small wins, and a few familiar faces make the place feel less intimidating. It doesn’t stay this heavy forever.
Prestigious_Skirt_18@reddit
This honestly sounds exactly like my ex when she came with me to Switzerland 😂
Jokes aside, I can share my own experience as an expat dealing with mental health.
A bit over a year ago, I left Switzerland to move to Australia for my partner. After a few months, I realised the relationship was toxic. I ended things after almost 10 years, but decided to stay and give life here a try on my own. Not gonna lie. This year has been rough: being far from relatives, dealing with a toxic workplace, and handling everything alone.
Eventually, I hit a point where I couldn’t keep going like that, emotionally. I started therapy and began meeting people (mostly from my own culture) through social activities.
That helped a lot.
Over time, I realised I just couldn’t see myself long-term in this country (different culture, different values) and decided I’ll be moving back home soon.
Despite all the challenges and the mental health struggles, I’m still incredibly grateful for the experience. I met great people, and being this far out of my comfort zone (plus therapy) helped me work through traumas I probably would have ignored for years if I’d stayed home. Honestly, it saved me a decade of therapy.
You said:
I mean… it reminds me of how I used to be: trying to escape my problems and projecting an ideal life with my partner, hoping things would somehow get better.
You might really benefit from talking to someone. It’s often easier with a therapist from your own culture, who gets your background and values. Maybe consider remote sessions with a Swedish psychologist?
Choice_Philosopher_1@reddit
I have similar health issues and moved from US > Sweden. Oddly enough, I’m having a similar but opposite problem as you. It’s actually fascinating to hear your perspective knowing how I feel living in Sweden. I don’t feel like I can be myself without being heavily judged since although I’m somewhat introverted, I’m also very expressive in social situations (take up space I guess) which isn’t the standard here.
It can feel suffocating at times but I have made some good friends, both Swedish and immigrants who are a bit more like me or at least accept me as is. I have also adapted over some time. And I’ve also been to a lot of therapy. A lot of what triggers me in Sweden is actually because the culture embodies my cptsd triggers. I won’t go into the details on that but it’s actually been a blessing to be forced to face them and be able to process stuff I’ve been through. I’m wondering if your situation is at all similar in that way.
That doesn’t mean that it’s my favorite culture to be honest, but I just care a little less about fitting in exactly.
jptsr1@reddit
The answer is maybe. It depends on how severely afflicted you are and or how much effort you put into dealing with your issues. Even if you do your part there's things that are out of your control. The truth is many people fail at this lifestyle without the burden of mental health issues. No one can tell you how you will do. All you can really do is give it your best. Be diligent about your treatment strategy and get help when you need it.
aadustparticle@reddit
Sounds like your problems go far beyond simply being an expat.
belikethebison@reddit (OP)
Yes that is obvious. I said in the post that I've had these issues for a long time. I'm sure there's other people with similar issues who became expats though and I'm trying to seek out those people to get some advice or reassurance.