Just realized how lonely “starting over” actually is.

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JackelyLima@reddit

I always thought “starting over” sounded poetic… until I realized it also comes with the emotional equivalent of assembling IKEA furniture without the manual. Some days I feel like a mysterious cosmopolitan woman embracing change, other days I’m just a confused foreigner trying to remember the word for garfo.

But honestly, settling in felt less like a moment and more like a slow accumulation of tiny wins — finding my go-to coffee spot, understanding an inside joke, and finally not panicking when someone says “we should grab a drink sometime.”

It gets softer, lighter, and surprisingly… kind of beautiful. Hang in there. 🌿✨

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diivintothesea@reddit

I just saw an article on the guardian calling this grieve. And this kind of grieve never really leave actually, but you can find joy and learn how to deal with it.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/nov/24/homesickness-is-a-form-of-loss-which-may-never-grant-closure-but-a-heart-in-two-places-can-still-find-joy

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Both-Basis-3723@reddit

Just FaceTimed with my mom on thanksgiving. I feel the distance today but I wasn’t happy there. My life makes more sense and I’m happier, healthier here.

You never feel the same after you leave home. You never feel the same at home. It’s ok. You are closer to the truth that life is change. People who don’t leave can fool themselves longer or gradually change. You jumped in. It’s a lot like the growth you are experiencing. Ultimately you need to build a home inside yourself that is always there.

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Usual-While-1145@reddit

Welcome to the group

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zirus23@reddit

I honestly speedrun that, my first 2-4 weeks in France Im going to every single meetup/heylo etc event, meeting everyone, saying yes to all invites. By the end of the month I will usually have met 50-100 people, formed 5-10~ meaningful friendships and found at least 2-3 hobby groups I feel a sense of belonging in. Ofc this requires not having a job and socializing full-time, but it is the strategy I choose.

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zirus23@reddit

And for language learning I separately researched and found the fastest way to learn so I usually get to A1 in just 20hrs like 10 days in 2hrs a day, and A2 in 30 days 2hrs a day iirc. In fact Im making an app right now for the same, a simplified fastest way to learn a language tho it'll only have french to start but once it's out of alpha adding a new language is pretty quick since I have automated pipelines for the whole process.

Also I start out with all expat communities to make the transition easier.

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martinmaple@reddit

I would be very interested in hearing about this language app you're doing!

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zirus23@reddit

Sure I can share it on this sub when its ready to publish if the mods will allow me, I'm actually hoping to get it finished and submitted to IOS/Android stores today, think the review process should only be a few days before it goes live

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CherrrySnaps@reddit

That feeling of not belonging is tough. For me, it was almost two years before my new city felt like home, not just a place I was staying. My biggest turning point was finding a consistent hobby group, not just people from work. Having an established third place outside of your apartment and job makes a huge difference, because then you have a real anchor.

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echan00@reddit

Starting over in a new country can be both thrilling and daunting. It often takes time to adjust to a new language and culture, and it's perfectly normal to experience those feelings of loneliness. For me, finding ways to connect with locals and practicing the language helped a lot. In my experience it has been fast in some places and slower in others.

How have you been managing the language barrier so far? I use Prettyfluent which is designed for expats focusing on practical communication. I found it pretty useful because it adapts to your pace, making it easier to feel more at home in your new environment.

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chinacatlady@reddit

It takes a while and even once you feel settled that lonely feeling can come back. Especially around holidays and events that friends and family are attending that you are missing. For me the trick was to get comfortable with the feeling. When I was in China, a place that I would never belong because I’m pale white with bright white hair and tall and American, I made a huge effort to have routines. For example every Saturday morning I set off on foot to explore the city. This was time that even after I developed a core group of friends was my time to be alone and do what felt good for me. Now that I’m in Italy and surrounded by people I know - almost 5 years here - I still look forward to that alone time. I’m no longer lonely, I’m comfortable with myself and my time alone.

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hipnos98@reddit

Yep that usually happens when you are settling up and are getting more free time again.

My suggestion would be to put more effort outside home at the begging to build new social circles, it's a bit exhausting but with 3 groups of people you should be able to have at least 1/2 interactions per week and that could release some of that load

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Mission-Mulberry-501@reddit

It is.

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raenico67@reddit

Please know that this feeling also applies even if you’re not abroad. It’s when your friends move out of the area, or they just disappear. So it’s a reset …finding your own tribe is challenging. You meet people, hang out and find out you’re not in sync. He/she doesn’t get you, so you move on. Be strong and keep going!

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movingarchivist@reddit

This! I felt like an outsider even when I just got divorced and changed apartments but still lived in my hometown. Everything is temporary and eventually we all find ourselves in a transition. Just takes time to find a new orientation.

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martinmaple@reddit

Yep! I just moved across the country in the US and I'm going on year three and feel like an outsider. I'm kind of accepting the fact that I pretty much have always felt like an outsider and just had a fantasy that if I moved I would magically find my people. My saving Grace has been nature. I'm learning just to find what makes me happy and content versus trying to find my people for my happiness.

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raenico67@reddit

I think it’s best not to dwell on labeling yourself as an outsider. Instead, focus on finding meaning in your life, your tribe, your peace… (which you’re already doing)

I’ve lived in the US for a long time and have come to recognize and accept the cultural differences, the attitudes, etc. You’ll have moments of joy and gratitude. But I also believe each of us has a “place” where we feel more in harmony than anywhere else. So we keep moving toward that place and continue the journey.

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martinmaple@reddit

I guess I'm still looking for the place where I feel "more in harmony". It's hard to feel in harmony when the world is so chaotic and uncertain. But yes you just have to keep moving forward and "continue the journey"

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Ladline69@reddit

Been there, you Have to get used to it, keep it moving - or leave and go back. Your choice.

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AdligaTitlar@reddit

Get involved in clubs, like hiking, sports, etc. You'll find your community quickly that way with people with shared interests.

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honestlyeek@reddit

I think once you move out of your comfort zone, that familiar feeling of “settled” is hard to reach again—instead, you feel something new.

You get used to your new environment, you find things normal/comfortable, you stop using your GPS for everything, you give tourists suggestions, you pick up some useful phrases in the new language, you’re open to new people/experiences. Before you know it, it’s your second home.

Why choose to feel settled when you can feel excited about life and new opportunities?

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discoltk@reddit

Moved abroad about 17 years ago. I never felt homesick or any kind of pull that would send me back to the US. I think I just made peace with always being a bit of an outsider. You only need a handful of good friends, and it’s usually possible to find people through shared interests, work, relationships, and so on.

As I’ve gotten older, life itself has started to feel slightly surreal. Time moves fast, and it’s becoming clearer that there isn’t as much of it as it once felt. I switched countries at one point, and that brought a strange sense of longing for a “home” that was never fully mine in the first place.

I also get occasional eerie sensations—going back to my old neighborhood, or even returning to my current home and feeling for a moment like I’m walking into someone else’s house. I don’t know how common that is, or whether it’s something expats feel more often, or if it’s tied to aging or some broader lack of purpose. But it’s been part of my experience.

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Thoughtful_giant13@reddit

They say year two is often the hardest, as the novelty is over but you are still building your network and roots. That tracks for me although I spent my first year really putting myself out there and meeting as many people as possible which has really served me well, but yes, it takes time!

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LearyBlaine@reddit

I don't know. Depends what kind of person you are. I don't know if I'll ever really "settle in". Heck, I don't even know if I want to. I'm pretty introverted, and I prefer to be kinda "on the outside" and left alone. Living in a foreign country is perfect for this: plenty of people around, but none of them cares, really, to talk with me! It's sorta my ideal situation, for better and for worse.

I never feel lonely when I'm on my own. I feel lonely only when I'm around other people -- especially if they're supposed to care for me, and it's clear that they don't.

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Eventprotokyo@reddit

I felt the same when I moved abroad, so you’re definitely not alone. The first few months hit really strangely because the excitement wears off and the real daily life settles in. For me it took around six months before things started feeling familiar. Not perfect but comfortable. Little routines helped more than anything like a regular grocery store, a coffee spot where they start recognizing you, a hobby group where you see the same faces. Those tiny anchors made the days feel less like I was drifting.

It does get better, but it happens slowly and almost quietly. One day you realise you didn’t overthink anything and that’s when it clicks.

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Pecncorn1@reddit

The first year has been the hardest for me and I've moved six times. Force yourself to get involved, speak even if you feel embarrassed. Try not to compare things, well where I came from, and don't think you are going to change things where you are just accept it as is.

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elborneBCN@reddit

Going through the same thing friend! I just try to take the lows with the highs and soak it in when I’m feeling good. You may not even realize it but this experience is so good for expanding your perspective and growing you as a cool human!

Timing is unique for everyone but I generally find at the year mark things are a little less tender and you have an idea of if you want to stay and keep going or not. No shame in either decision!

Whatever you do please just get out and about and meet people when you’re feeling up for it! There were days I’d just wallow in my flat and if I didn’t put the time and energy into new people or experiences upfront I’d be even more lonely!

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liechtensteinchen@reddit

I know this so well! I remember thinking "Can't they (the locals) just be NORMAL for one single day?" - 'normal' of course meaning, like "my" people at home ... As to your question - it totally depends on where you come from and where you are now. Some countries are just more difficult than others. I think the other people on this thread gave you useful advice and just want to ad: set yourself a deadline of, maybe two years? If after that time you're still miserable - leave. Good luck with everything

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Several_Emotion_4717@reddit

Maybe I'm too young to advise on this, but, I can relate to what you're feeling now, In case it gets worse on some days, I go for cheap $2-$3 online therapy lol. And shit talk my heart out to some stranger for an hour. I ended up making a few friends through these apps and now I talk to the therapist type friends for free when I need it.

Keep in mind these platforms during bad days, soulease.life, soulup, clarity, and few such which you can gpt.

Remember: It's okay to feel what you're feeling, it's okay to not understand yourself. Peace be upon us today.

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Fun_Mistake_4695@reddit

I have been in my new country (Philippines) for 9months and still feel like a loner and outsider. That being said, I haven't been able to afford going out and doing anything to actually make friends. Hoping this changes in the new year.

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karmafrog1@reddit

A little Tagalog (or Bisaya) goes a long way there, and not having enough money to get into trouble can be a blessing. People are super friendly so I used to just take walks and chatted people up. Even vlogged about it for a bit.

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Competitive-Leg-962@reddit

Usually it takes me 3-4 months, but some countries make it easier to settle than others. It also gets easier with every subsequent move once you realize that most routines work out kinda the same.

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mattblack77@reddit

6 months - 1 year until you start to feel at home?

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GraduallyIntegrated@reddit

I have definitely had that experience of not feeling at home anywhere after I have moved in the past. Maybe even especially after moving to a third and fourth country. A new language, unfamiliar routines, and then also needing to manage relationships across an additional border. It's not exactly stress, but does make you tired! I’m from Ireland and have lived in Germany, Japan, and now Canada, and each move had a period with a real sense of dislocation before settling.

I am not sure it comes down to a specific amount of time as much as it depends on setting yourself up again with things like a daily routine, a place you visit often enough that it feels familiar, and one or two local connections that make you feel part of the society. Everyone’s timeline is different, but what you’re experiencing right now is a normal phase of adjustment. You'll get there. Hope this helps!

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LottaLingo@reddit

The weight gets lighter once you make a few friends and have your new routine dialed in. Being proficient in the local language doesn't push the loneliness away, but helps immensely in avoiding day to day reminders that you don't belong. Not sure if you're a student or an adult, but language classes are a great way to get at both of the above.

Also, this feeling might disappear and come back, but I find it never fully goes away until you've committed to a place and built a community over many years. But, that's the price we pay for the privilege of getting to call the world our home. Hang in there!

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Shoddy_Cap_9864@reddit

I like to think of moving to a new country like resetting my character/ progress. I don’t know anyone in this country, and I’m totally different and unique to these people. It’s gonna be hard, and take a lot of time. it’s gonna feel uncomfortable, but once you do make friends or at least one friend you realize that the country isnt so bad, and you’ll get used to the culture really quick