What is your relationship like with your father?
Posted by 8r4ndz3r0@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 62 comments
Holiday season is right around the corner. A time of year I, youngest only child ('81) with much older GEN X half siblings on both sides of family, have historically loathed. Ours has been a family dynamic of feigned love, weak ties and general crossing of boundaries from everyone - with each other. Everyone except from myself and my mother. The architect and influencer, as well as the enabler and hypocritical side chooser of this mess? None other than my own blood father. This is a man in his 80s now without an ounce of integrity who has lied and continues to lie about everything, dispensing bullshit to everyone around him, even to my own mother (his lawful wife) and himself. I have tried numerous times throughout the years to set healthy boundaries with him, build trust and bond with him. It always fails. He can pretend and put on an act in the short term but he inevitably defaults back to his own usual misery. The only solution that has brought peace to my life is to maintain a distant and transactional level of communication with him. My own inner child wants his Dad back but the Man I've become has cut his losses and said his goodbyes. My older sibs don't really care about him either, just enough to keep up with the appearance of caring and for the convenience of convincing him to have signed over his assets to them, away from his wife (my mother, 72) and by extension, me.
Automatonalist@reddit
I voted 'great'. It wasn't always great, but we both make much more of an effort the past 15+ years. He was distant and a workaholic when I was a kid, and had a "tough love" parenting approach with me and my sibling, and a strained relationship with my mom (they stayed together 'for the kids', and then unsurprisingly their relationship improved when we moved out). He's still very good at pushing our buttons though! haha. I stopped talking to him for a period of time in my 20s, but he made an effort to reconnect, and as a fellow distant loner I recognized and appreciated it. He fell seriously ill ten years ago (terminal, but still managing unexpectedly well), and that also changed the dynamic in our family. We are all closer now. We just celebrated his 90th. I'm grateful to still have him in my life, and grateful to have a better relationship with him than I did growing up.
threefeetoffun-@reddit
We text each other "Love you, Good night, and Good Journey" every night.
Jets237@reddit
Dad and I are fairly close, not call him up with my problems but golf together a few times a summer and see them around once a month. Great relationship with my kid, all in all no complaints.
Lou_Skunnt69@reddit
I’ve got a decent relationship with my dad. He’s about 1/3 the way down the Fox News rabbit hole though, and he seems to creep down even further every month that goes by. It’s straining our relationship even though we don’t talk politics. I fear that it will only get worse the further and further that shitty network sucks him in.
tokudama@reddit
Somewhere between "Great" and "Meh." Neither of us talks too often or about much, but he has a soft spot for animals that I appreciate, and while he and my mom fought a lot when my brother and I were younger, he took fantastic care of her when she got alzheimer's. We also share political opinions so that helps.
LittleCeasarsFan@reddit
Good, my mom can be dramatic and overbearing at times, but overall a good relationship. They live about 10 minutes away, I try to see them at least twice a week.
esocharis@reddit
He took off when I was far too young to remember him at all.
Stepdad #2 is the longest tenured and current. Met him when I was 16, we're....not close lol
_R_A_@reddit
My dad passed back in 2014. Before I got married, before I finished my PhD, before kids, in that order. I miss his sociopathic ass dearly.
Also, everything post-Thanksgiving is meaningless to me. I go along to get along. I grew up in a very Catholic family, so having gone agnostic I've lost a lot of the meaning of the holiday. Plus, we were poor growing up, so we had good times but humble times, it was hard as a kid to not play the comparison game. Also, New Years is just a day.
badchefrazzy@reddit
My mother and bio-father never married, in fact I was the spawn of an affair. (Bio-father cheating on his original wife with my mother.) To get out of paying child support my bio-father fought to have visitation rights for every couple of weekends a month (like 2 I think, it's been awhile) and when he'd come pick me up, he'd plop me in the living room of his house where I got to meet my 3 half-siblings and their mom (nice lady, I didn't interact with her much, it felt weird/wrong to my little kid brain) and then go read the paper in the kitchen or do whatever in his room til it was time for me to go home. That lasted about 2 years before I'd just had no desire to keep going back, he never paid child support and I learned what my mom wanted to tell me but thought was better to experience. "Dad" is a jackass. And he was. Now a couple decades later mom has a boyfriend, he's freaking awesome, loves pirates and halloween and stuff and feels more like my dad than my bio-father ever did, and I haven't even met the guy in person yet.
cpt_jerkface@reddit
I'm on 'Meh' level with my dad, though that's an upgrade from where we've been historically. He disliked me when I was a teenager, yelling at me about how much of a disappointment I was, then giving me the silent treatment for weeks. He moved to another country and we text on birthdays and holidays. My kids barely know him.
PacketFiend@reddit
My father went back home to the Netherlands when I was 11 (from Canada). It took a while, but we got past it. There were many years we didn't really speak, but after both of us putting effort into it, we now speak semi frequently. He comes to visit every other year or so when he can afford it, as do I. My sister and him barely speak, but she's not going to deny her children the joy of knowing their Opa.
My mother died 10 years ago this week, breast cancer.
Medium-Lake3554@reddit
Good. Don't see him as often as I'd like.
physical0@reddit
My dad taught me a lot of things about computers. Didn't teach me anything else.
He helps when I have home improvement projects, but never asks for help for his projects.
We only hang out when I ask him to help me with something.
rosevilleguy@reddit
Dunno, he went out for smokes
GreenBeardTheCanuck@reddit
Haven't spoken to my dad since my oldest was born. He lost the right to be a grandfather. He never met the rest and never will.
BronskiBeatCovid@reddit
While it was ok growing up now we're better now. Parents separated when I was 12 but he was always around. My dad kept his private life pretty separate from me but oddly enough once it stopped being private and I met his girlfriend things changed. As my wife said once he wasn't hiding anything he relaxed and could be himself. I don't think he would admit it but now we're able to be friends not just father and son.
ReggaeForPresident@reddit
Fortunately for me my father was very involved in my youth and we remain good friends to this day. He adores my kids (his only grandchildren) and is very generous with his time now that he is retired. It also helps that we are on the same page politically so none of that drama is dividing us now.
Not_a_werecat@reddit
Mostly good. My parents are good people, but evangelical conservatives and I'm stuck with major depression and anxiety for the rest of my life because of the religious extremist way I was raised.
And now they still insist that coming back to their toxic religion will solve my problems instead of acknowledging that's what CAUSED IT in the first place.
I love them and they have good hearts, but their choices have caused irreparable harm both to myself and my country.
So..... "It's complicated"
Neither-Mycologist77@reddit
Similar. My parents are good people at their core, but the core is buried pretty far under everything else these days. I'm less and less interested in keeping up the facade. They said some pretty unforgivable things about me in my presence a few years ago.
If they weren't my son's only real grandparents, and fairly decent at it, I would have probably gone no-contact by now. If they start trying to push their religious obsessions onto my son, however, we will be done. I think they sense that.
As it is, I said "Meh... holidays and birthdays." All via my mother, because my dad literally refuses to use a telephone and has for years. A text on birthdays, and obligatory holiday dinners at their house. They're welcome to come to my son's sporting events whenever they like. That's about it.
RicketyWickets@reddit
Mine are dead and out of my life but they were like yours. These books and Patrick Teahan on YouTube have helped me heal a bit from that.
Why Won't You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts (2017) by Harriet Lerner
Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship (2012) by Aline Lapierre and Laurence Heller
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents (2015) by Lindsay Gibson
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (2018) by Pete Walker
No more Mr nice guy: A proven plan for getting what you want in love, sex, and life.(2000) by Dr. Robert Glover
Not_a_werecat@reddit
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard when parents are good hearted but still cause hurt.
Thank you for the recommendations. I do have "adult children of emotionally immature parents". Currently working my way through that one.
Glad to learn of some other materials that could be helpful.
PorkChopS8ndwiches@reddit
We arrived in the USA as refugees seeking asylum post Vietnam war. The journey was long and arduous. We were among the lucky boat people who didn't die at sea via starvation, storm, or pirates. There were many times we thought we would lose our lives. My dad was really brave and protected our family and the other survivors. He nearly perished a few times trying to save us. When we got here, he worked really hard to make a living and we all assimilated the best we could, became naturalized, and he made sure that we were well-provided for (I have two younger siblings who were later born on US soil) so that we could have an education and eventually establish our careers. I am so grateful for my father's love, motivation, and resilience. Unfortunately, in his retirement and old age (he's in his 80s), he ended up falling victim to the propaganda machine and now we're on opposite ends of the political spectrum. We've had some heated arguments, but a few years ago, we agreed to leave politics out of family gatherings. He's growing more forgetful and fragile. He had a triple bypass a few years ago and we recently had a prostate cancer scare. I don't know how much longer we have with him. But his eyes just light up when he sees me and my children/his grandchildren. Sweet, generous, and fiercely loving. This is how I want to remember him and this is the version of him that I want my kids to continue building memories with.
War-Bitch@reddit
We spoke 3-4 times a week until I came out and he hasn’t spoken to me since.
bivo979@reddit
My Dad passed away in 1998. I visit him at The National Cemetery on specific days all the time. And some other random times when I miss him.
bshr49@reddit
I voted other.
Relationship with bio-dad was non-existent - estranged from his own parents/siblings and died alone. A neighbor called for a welfare check when they hadn't seen any activity at his house for a week or so.
My mom remarried when I was 8, and he's who I consider to be my dad, even though I always called him by his first name. We had a pretty good relationship most of the time, although he made some decisions throughout the years that I will never agree with or understand - worst ones being making medical decisions directly against my mom's wishes and living will (still don't know how the hospital could legally do that) and not having her buried where she wanted. That was 29 years ago; I was angry with him at the time, but I never held it against him.
He died 5 years ago and his 4th or 5th(?) wife since Mom died is currently texting about wanting to get together for Christmas. My wife blocked her years ago (for a good reason, IMO). Aren't holidays fun?!?!?!
Foreign_Donkey463@reddit
My dad can annoy me like I guess a sibling would (I'm an only). We're okay. I don't tell him everything but I don't shut him out either.
SaveusJebus@reddit
Not on speaking terms and I plan on keeping it that way. He's not a good person and the world will be a better place without him in it. And no, I do not plan on attending his funeral when he dies.
Godloseslaw@reddit
Who is your Daddy, and what does he do?
FoppyRETURNS@reddit
I'm Detective John Kimble!!
FoppyRETURNS@reddit
I speak with both my parents frequently.
Mountain-Fox-2123@reddit
I cut him out of my life 15 years ago, and thankfully he has since died.
darva6@reddit
After my mom passed, I went no contact with my Dad. Long story, but I am happier not having him in my life. My mom always said if she died first, he would die a lonely old man. And here we are. That's what you get for being an asshole!
MlsterFlster@reddit
Passed when I was 12. Didn't bond a lot when he was alive. His mom, his brother, my mom, all told me that I'm just like him. Cat's in the Cradle...
SLorma@reddit
He died in 2001. He was 49 and I was 25. He was in the military and gone a lot when I was a young child/early adolescent. He finally retired when I was in high school. I rebelled against his presence and he was so terrified I'd grow up to be him (high school dropout) that he was a colossal ass most of the time.
Our relationship shifted a lot when I was about 19, further improving when I moved out for good. He was a flawed man and I have forgiven him for that. I recently passed the age where I outlived him and it's been an...experience. I will forever wonder who he would have grown up to be. Healing from his own wounds would have been amazing-- he had just started therapy for PTSD when he got sick.
I wish he was here to take his grandson fishing. I really could have used all of his DIY knowledge through the years in this old house of ours. I wish I would have known him better.
SadAcanthocephala521@reddit
He's dead, but he was an absent father who made very little attempt to be in my life. When I finally did meet him he bragged about hooking up with the young girls he had working in his lounge. As much as I could have used a father figure growing up, I'm probably lucky it wasn't him.
Rust_Bucket37@reddit
Mine passed a bit over 12 years ago. He was born in 1935 and I was born in '81 and his only kid. As I was growing up it felt like he was always working. He worked construction in the DC metro area so he also had a hell of a drive to and from work 5-6 days a week. After my parents got divorced when I was in middle school he made sure to spend as much of the weekends with me as he could. After I graduated high school I moved in with him instead of staying with my mom because her soon to be husband and I did not get along. I lived with him pretty much until I got married. He would visit a couple times a month or call and ask if I could stop by and help with something around his place. He passed a few days before my oldest son turned 3. He enjoyed being a Pop Pop and we're pretty sure he had a hand in the level of orneriness of my youngest son. Looking back we had a pretty good relationship. He was blunt and would let you know how he felt or thought about something but was kind, caring and would help in any way he could to a lot of family and friends. My wife wishes he was still around for our boys because her father is such a narcissistic ass.
_TheWolfOfWalmart_@reddit
It's pretty good. We don't have a ton in common really other than we both like home theater stuff and some of the same music. We get along well. I just went to his place for chili over the weekend.
NeighborGeek@reddit
Between Great and Meh. We get along well enough, but I do sometimes wish we were a little closer. I call and chat maybe once every 6 weeks or so, and he comes to town for my kid's big performances and such, but we don't even get together for holidays anymore except a christmas gift exchange at his house. My parents divorced after I was out of school, and he ended up with a girlfriend that is really hard to like. She hates him spending time with people from his past life, and makes it uncomfortable when she's around. Apparently she makes him happy, they've been together for probably about 20 years now.
blackhawksq@reddit
Passed when I was 2.
Opunaesala@reddit
Great, I visit often. Both parents still around, still together, more than 50 years now. I got lucky.
unbalancedcentrifuge@reddit
He died in 2020....but when he was alive, he loved his kids as much as he could. He was too old to be diagnosed (born in 1941), but my siblings and I are positive that he was autistic (think Aspergers), and it made him not really into kids and very frustrated by dealing with them. I have no doubt he loved us....he just didn't like us.
Epicardiectomist@reddit
After 4 decades of him failing to be what I needed, and 4 decades of me failing to be what he wanted, I think we're both better off not in each other's lives. I think we're on 4 years of not speaking, and I have no desire to reconnect.
The ugliest part is that he abandoned the only 2 grandchildren he has to spite me. I get not wanting to connect with me, but why them? My mother sees them probably once a month, and he stays home. My son is old enough to put it together. He doesn't give a shit about the problems we have with each other, he just sees that his grandfather doesn't want to be a part of his life. For the record, I never forbade him from seeing them, or even hinted at it. His ego made that choice.
The only thing left is my final walk from his headstone as I never look back.
bell83@reddit
I voted "other." We're better than "birthdays and holidays" but definitely nowhere near "great." Between childhood trauma, things I thought I "let go" (for instance, him abandoning me from 13-20), and his love of intentionally winding me up about various things, I wouldn't say things are "great," but we do talk via messenger basically every day and typically see each other a couple times a year.
tgbarbie@reddit
These comments are making me so sad because I truly love my dad and, although as an adult I can see his faults, he was such a wonderful dad and the best grandpa. He is loved by so many people. He taught me to see joy in so many simple things, googly eyes everywhere for the win. He had emergency open heart surgery this year and the thought of losing him was almost too much. I'm so lucky to have him. And my mom, too. 50 years married.
sactownbwoy@reddit
I selected "meh", only because I am not much of a talker with anyone. Both my parents are still together. I just don't talk to anyone, friends or family.
Pharmacy_Duck@reddit
He's been dead for 12 years. It's the best it's ever been.
Rdubya291@reddit
He dipped when I was 10, i think? Haven't seen him since.
Toxikfoxx@reddit
Dad passed 3 years ago. It was okay during life, nothing like others have experienced I'm sure. I miss watching football games and having a beer with him, or taking Sunday drives to nowhere just to sing along to oldies in the car. The small moments, and the security of knowing that he's there if I need a dad moment.
bh0@reddit
It's fine. I see my parents every few weeks or so usually. My Dad and I have never really had similar interests so we don't do much other than food/drinks occasionally, or watch or go to a game. Other family is still in town too, so most holidays is still some sort of family get together.
Top-Wolverine-8684@reddit
I never would have believed that my dad would be my kids' favorite grandparent or that our relationship would be better than ever, but here we are. He was pretty horrible growing up, to the point that my mom had a restraining order against him. I got married very young, and my (then) husband and I agreed early on that he would never be part of our lives.
Then a weird thing happened- he mellowed, he did some really hard work and genuinely became a good person. He still has trouble with the truth and facts, but otherwise, he's unrecognizable from the dad I grew up with. He also really came to respect me for my career and the life I've built for our family, and he made me the Executor of his estate. My kids are young adults who still live at home, and we make a point of scheduling time with him. Sometimes he cries and tells me how grateful he is that I do that, and it's awkward and makes me feel terrible, but then I remember that there was a time neither of us ever expected that he would be spending time with his grandchildren. It's now to the point where we spend way more time with him than my mom, who is overall unpleasant, judgmental, and bitter.
rinky79@reddit
I'm extremely grateful to have had caring and competent parents. They weren't perfect but they were supportive, not abusive, raised me to be self-sufficient, familiar with all sorts of practical skills, and to love learning.
My mom died when I was 24. I don't have any siblings, and don't have any cousins I'm close with. My dad's siblings are all dead. My mom's only sibling and his family are lovely but we aren't close. I'm not married and don't have kids. So my dad is basically all I have left. He's 76 and has some health issues so my #1 fear is him dying. I live 3 hours away and he lives alone.
ElizardbethBennet@reddit
I voted for other even though not on speaking terms could have also applied. He lied to my mom, ditched her while she was pregnant, and raised four other children to adulthood but couldn’t even be bothered to go to the hospital when I was born, pay child support, or call on my birthday literally even once, so I guess I would call that traumatic and total abandonment over not on speaking terms lol. The truth is I would have loved a dad, and I maybe didn’t even realize it until I saw what a great dad my husband is to our kid. But I had a mom who raised me to never put up with shit from anyone and make extra extra extra sure I could trust anyone I built a relationship with, and that was pretty great too.
misterlakatos@reddit
Very sorry you, your mom and siblings had to go through that. Truly awful.
AcadianTraverse@reddit
It's been great lately. We butted heads a bit shortly after he retired. He was spending too much time reading the news and getting upset, but the combination of me buying my house which had lots of projects and COVID gave us time to bond and chat through things. Then I met my wife, and my sister met her husband and just had her first kid so he's had lots to be happy about relative to two children in their late thirties with no family prospects as recently as 6 years ago.
misterlakatos@reddit
Mostly amicable but complex. We do not see each other too often but do stay in touch (sports is one thing we have in common). Fortunately, on the political front he never deviated to a certain side so we have that, though he certainly has his Boomer moments when it comes to what's considered PC by today's standards.
We did go periods without speaking and he was not the easiest father to have growing up. My parents divorced long ago and it was for the best.
Important_silence@reddit
I voted deceased. Prior to his death, we were not on speaking terms.
CROBBY2@reddit
Id say between Great and Meh. My parents recently divorced, after 45+ years, so he is trying to figure things out a bit.
Doormatty@reddit
He's been dead for the last ~15 years. So...not bad?
Roscoe_P_Trolltrain@reddit
Also not great? or
spaceporter@reddit
36 years here, and maybe the best it's been in 35 years.
AMugOfPeppermintTea@reddit
I voted for deceased but prior to that, we did have a great relationship. He's been gone for 10 years now and I miss him every day. But I'm truly grateful because I know I was lucky to have a wonderful father and to also have had him for as long as I did.
CheeseGraterFace@reddit
My folks both died back in 2007/2008. I’m actually the last surviving member of my family. It’s been weird - it really gets you to thinking a lot about legacy and what that even means. Someone here on Reddit pointed out that legacy is what other people think of you after you’re gone and that it doesn’t matter much, and that gave me some comfort.
Holidays kind of suck. 🤷♂️