<glum>Married, middle aged, no kids.</glum>

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Middleage_dad@reddit

46, two kids 8 and 6.

The 6 year old has severe developmental delays and autism. She has the mental capacity of a 14 month old. She can approximate a few words, but not much. If she doesn’t get her way she has massive meltdowns where she destroys things, bites and pulls hair. Yesterday out of nowhere she attacked her sister and pulled out a very large clump of hair. She will eat her own poop unless she wears a special garment to keep her from her diaper.

The stress of the whole situation has lead to multiple breakdowns for me. I’m unable to hold down a job because of it, so I’m stuck at home with no real hope for the future. I’m not built to be a caregiver.

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kryonik@reddit

I'm almost 42 with a 15 month old at home and she's happy and healthy but I wish I had done this twenty years ago just from the physical and mental strain. From talking to other parents, our baby is basically playing parenting on easy mode but even still, I'm falling asleep at work and stressed a lot. Can't even imagine what you're going through.

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clippervictor@reddit

You are me. One 4-yo and another one on the way. Similar age. I love my children but I’m beyond dead inside.

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PersianCatLover419@reddit

Why are you beyond dead inside?

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clippervictor@reddit

I’m too old to be the dad of a toddler and a newborn. It drains me physically and mentally beyond comprehension

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M_V_Agrippa@reddit

I had my kids at 43 and 45 and have absolutely no regrets about. We aren't running marathons here, they're just kids. Do you guys really believe 25 year olds aren't also worn out having young children? That's just part of the experience.

The financial and emotional stability that comes from age far outstips any negatives.

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ednastvincent@reddit

100% agree! Similar ages and the appreciation and patience I have now, I would not have had 20 years ago. Not to mention being at a place in my career where I have a flexible schedule.

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Catladylove99@reddit

You’re not wrong about the financial and emotional stability, but as someone who had my first kid in my 20s and am now in my 40s, let me tell you, there is an absolutely enormous difference in your ability to soldier through the sleepless nights and endless demands of young children when you’re in your 20s vs middle age. I could not survive it now.

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M_V_Agrippa@reddit

And yet, here I am, doing just fine.

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350ci_sbc@reddit

You’ve got nothing to compare it to. You can’t say you’re “doing fine” compared to how it would have been 10 or 20 years ago because you didn’t experience that.

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350ci_sbc@reddit

Yep. My wife and I had our first kid at 22 and then 4 more. I was 33 for the last one. There was a noticeable difference in how tiring it was. In my 20’s it was a breeze. Not tired, no problem. By 33 it was more difficult. Doing it in my mid 40’s would be ok, but not the easy button that my 20’s were.

Plus, my oldest is planning kids now, and I’m in my mid forties, still spry and able bodied for my grandkids. I still play hockey, ride dirt bikes, and am very active. Hopefully, I’ll be in my mid 60’s for my great grandkids.

I’ve got friends who had and are having kids in their 40’s and it doesn’t compare to how it was when I was in my 20’s. They’re not “suffering”, but it’s still wearing on them.

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Glass-Marionberry321@reddit

I needed 12 hours of sleep in my 20s. Now I'm good with 6-7.🤷‍♀️ we are all different.

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Blackbird136@reddit

Agree with this. I struggled getting up before 10am in my 20s. Of course I did it because I had to for work, but days off I was sleeping until minimum 10:30.

Now I’m up by 7 at latest on days off, with no alarm.

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Squatch1982@reddit

Agreed. The only thing I worry about is my daughter will be a young adult and I will be likely gone before she's in her thirties. I just hope I can get her prepared to make it on her own since I won't be around to help support her later in her life. I think her early years are pretty awesome though, having two emotionally mature and experienced parents that earn a decent living.

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M_V_Agrippa@reddit

For sure. Longevity isn't a guarantee. Hopefully we're still around in 30 years, but if not, I hope our kids will have the education, and enough of a financial seed to live comfortably in whatever dystopian future we're leaving for them.

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LoveHerMore@reddit

I wish I had my kids younger. And I had them at 28. Still I feel exhausted from a 7 year old and a 4 year old.

I feel like if I had em younger I’d have the energy to play with them more often.

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Glass-Marionberry321@reddit

I'd have to have a kid at age ten to have energy to "play"

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withbellson@reddit

It’s all tradeoffs. We had ours later (me 38 him 51) and we’re more tired but also a lot more sane. Needed a couple decades of adulthood to get my shit together after childhood trauma. I’m not fully fixed in my late 40s with a 9yo, but I was in no shape to parent a kid in my 20s or even early 30.

Having more money to spend at our age is a nice perk, though.

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kryonik@reddit

I'm definitely more emotionally and financially stable now than I was 20 years ago but have markedly less energy and I think I would take that trade. I also am not looking forward to being the old dad at high school graduation and having to pay $1,000,000 per semester of college.

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Middleage_dad@reddit

Thanks… and I should note my oldest isn’t an easy kid, either. But it’s because she’s so fucking smart. We’ve had multiple child psychologists pull us aside and tell us how special she is. She’s an amazing kid but man, it’s intense.

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TurkGonzo75@reddit

I was 45 when my son was born. The first year or two was rough in terms of energy but it's much better now that he's older. Being an old dad also forced me to reevaluate my lifestyle and get back into shape. He deserves to have a dad who can keep up. I do regret not starting at a younger age though.

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Capn26@reddit

I have a thirty year old step brother that’s in the same boat. He can talk, but it’s very choppy. I’d say he’s around a 2.5 year old in many ways. He’s 5-10, about 185#. My other stepbrother, my father and myself take turns wrestling him. Sometimes in the middle of the night. He attacks his mom when he doesn’t get his way. Oh. And Mary pins sets him off. It bothers me when I hear people self diagnose as being autistic because they’re awkward or quirky. I know people in the spectrum have challenges, but at the far end of that spectrum is a very difficult life for all involved.

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-Bk7@reddit

It bothers me when I hear people self diagnose as being autistic because they’re awkward or quirky. I know people in the spectrum have challenges, but at the far end of that spectrum is a very difficult life for all involved.

"Im so autistic, teehee"

The spectrum needs to be redefined imo. My kid is severly autistic/nonverbal and has nothing in common with even low functioning kids. Its confusing for people outside of "our world" .and this is no knock against anybody on the spectrum, everyone has their own hardships but some are not the same

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Capn26@reddit

Thank you so much for understanding that, and saying that. I honestly feel guilty when I feel that way, because I don’t want to minimize being on the spectrum. But there’s an entire gulf between on it and someone who’s 30 and will never take a shower alone. A grown man who is set into a rage by a fifty year old children’s movie. And I whole heartedly agree with a new spectrum or terms.

Its crazy. He’s in a group home now. He still comes home a lot. We’re planning our Thanksgiving, and just the amount of thought we have to put into it would blow peoples mind. To keep him and us safe. To keep him from over eating. To keep him from breaking another glass table at two in the morning.

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-Bk7@reddit

<3 I feel you, all the best

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Capn26@reddit

You as well.

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-Bk7@reddit

I found myself in a similar position years earlier. I developed a severe case of agoraphobia. It was so hard to go anwhere in public that i just accepted to being a recluse with my special needs kid. Took me a long time to climb out of that hole. I had to learned not to care about what other people think of you and your situation.. Sometimes it works and sometimes you need to nope out.

Day to day the worst(besides teenage diapers) was our child would not sleep and make noise and bang their head against the wall(putting multiple holes through the drywall) and waking everybody in the house up. After years of meds and fne tuning, he has kinda chilled out.

Dude wont exercise but we got em a trampoline, and its been the best thing ever.

I am at peace with our current situation, but am terrified what will happen once we get older and cant physically care for em. I am trying to save some money for assisted living as I dont wont to put his existence on his siblings

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Santa__Christ@reddit

Give her up then

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Middleage_dad@reddit

It’s pretty obvious that we won’t be able to care for her forever, but we will always give her the best life we can.

It also guts me that I am not out there earning for her future.

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Santa__Christ@reddit

I think it's best to give her up

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Middleage_dad@reddit

Can you elaborate what “giving her u means to you?

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Santa__Christ@reddit

Putting her in a facility that caters to developmentally challenged individuals. My acquaintance did this with two of his children. Best decision he ever made

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Middleage_dad@reddit

I think we will get there. I think it’s only a matter of time until she’s big enough and strong enough to really harm someone, and that’ll likely move things along.

The good news is she really likes people and routine. I can see the right environment being really good for her.

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Santa__Christ@reddit

It's best for everyone. I know you can do it

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Brendy171@reddit

What the… it’s super out of line to tell someone to give their kid up. And I say this as someone who worked with special needs individuals for years. She is way better at home than in a facility with people barely making enough to get by. Trust me she’s better where she is for now

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Santa__Christ@reddit

You're wrong so I will not trust you

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Brendy171@reddit

I mean if you don’t have that experience then you really shouldn’t be advising another parent what to do with their child. To suggest they just give her up is insane

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Santa__Christ@reddit

I gave up all of mine. I'm an expert on the subject

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Brendy171@reddit

No peanut it was you “friend” remember? Good job trolling though

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Santa__Christ@reddit

We both did it. He gave up 2

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nickyskater@reddit

To where, though?

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Santa__Christ@reddit

Where would she go if the parents died? Same place

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Blackbird136@reddit

I’m very sorry to hear this. I would not be built for this either, and on days that I’m upset/crying that kids and marriage didn’t happen for me, I think about situations like this. ❤️

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PersianCatLover419@reddit

I would not handle it well either friends and former classmates some have kids that are developmentally disabled to the point that they need 24/7 care, and others have autistic kids that are levels 1-3.

Kids and a marriage did not happen for me either. I do know that friends who divorced said they will never remarry and friends that have more than one kid are exhausted, constantly stressed out, broke or close to it, always on edge, they never get a break from being a parent ever, and are constantly anxious-one lady friend has two kids, works, takes care of their home and kids, cooks meals, and takes care of her husband who does not work and she has PTSD, and multiple friends that are parents have told me they wish they were single or did not have any kids.

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cjthomp@reddit

It’s not a misery competition.

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kattrup@reddit

Nobody is built for this. You are coping the best that you can. I commend you for the days you feel success and wish so could comfort you when everything goes awful. I'm so sorry this was the price of fatherhood for you. It's always a coin toss. 😢

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Tragic_Comic7@reddit

I don’t know if it gets easier as they get older or if we just get used to it, but hang in there! I have a 16 year old non-verbal ASD son. There have definitely been some hard days, but things have improved a lot. For him, medication has definitely helped. Of course he still finds new ways to stress us out (like his recent compulsion of ripping off his toe nails), but overall things are much better.

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Middleage_dad@reddit

Thanks for this. I just finished reading a school behavioral assessment for my daughter- she hits herself at on average 3x a day, and harms a student or staff 5-8 times a day. She’s sent both staff and students home from her bites that break the skin several times in the last month. We only avoid it at home because we know to watch out for her.

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SmellyFloralCouch@reddit

I have two young kids who are not special needs, and at times it's been more stress than I can bear. I can't imagine your situation. You're a stronger person than I...

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Middleage_dad@reddit

Considering that I can’t hold down a job, and spend most of my days on the couch, I don’t know how strong I am

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Zuccherina@reddit

No one is, truthfully. It’s thrust upon us. Do you have a community who understands?

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Middleage_dad@reddit

Kind of, I guess?

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Zuccherina@reddit

I mean like a group or friends who have special needs kids too?

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Middleage_dad@reddit

No, unfortunately not. We’ve made a few stabs, but we haven’t really connected with anyone.

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Zuccherina@reddit

Man, that is rough. We are getting my daughter assessed through a local neuro psychiatric provider and someone from their community created a group for parents. We have a group of about 12 people who shuffle in and out, but it’s just a monthly dinner where we all discuss whatever is on our hearts and minds. It’s been invaluable for support and resources and advice.

Maybe there’s a local Facebook group with something in your area? Or a church group? Or something one of your care team knows about?

I would encourage you to keep trying! Are you the dad? It is way harder for men to find support and connect, I think.

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comeupforairyouwhore@reddit

I’m sure it’s hard to find a community when you’re emotionally exhausted 24/7. Is there respite care in your area that could provide some relief? My heart goes out to you.

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sorrymizzjackson@reddit

I worked in a specialized unit in the special ed area of my high school. While I can’t imagine what you’re going through 24/7 I did work with severely autistic young adults and I know it can be absolutely brutal. I hope that the area you’re in has strong resources available for schooling and respite care.

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Middleage_dad@reddit

Yeah, we have good support from the state and the schools. We also have ABA therapy. But man, it’s still so hard.

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werdnurd@reddit

I could not handle ABA. That is more than a full-time job.

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sorrymizzjackson@reddit

I bet. We had a girl who was 19 and she had the cognitive abilities of a 5 month old. Unable to sit upright. She had a feeding tube. She had no other factors inhibiting her but was not expected to gain any additional function.

This was 20 years ago and I still think of her from time to time and wonder how she’s doing now. Her parents were likely older than mine at least by a little bit. My mother died earlier this year and my father turns 72 tomorrow. Then what? I never actually met them. I don’t know what her home life was like, but there was usually a perceptible difference in those that had wealth/strong support systems and it at least seemed like she had that.

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werdnurd@reddit

My youngest is severely disabled and did a lot of the same behaviors at that age. She’s 19 now and more like a very moody four-year-old. It’s still really hard, but the severity of the behaviors has subsided as she learned to communicate/we learned to understand her needs better. It’s still exhausting and was extremely difficult for her older typical sibling as well. I spent her first five years at home, then worked part-time when she started full-day school, and was finally able to get back to a career when she was middle-school aged. You are not alone, even though it feels like it, and you will get through this.

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lsp2005@reddit

Have you looked into respite care for yourself? What about a group home or hospital living for her? This sounds unsustainable long term. My heart breaks for you and her. Getting help is okay. It is okay to put your own oxygen mask on first.

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Middleage_dad@reddit

We have a ton of respite care. My daughter gets very antsy if she can’t go out and we have a bunch of teen babysitters they she loves. But man, it is still tough. Like I’m dreading Thanksgiving because it’ll just be the four of us at home all day, and my daughter will be upset that she does t have a sitter.

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lsp2005@reddit

I am sorry

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Sirtriplenipple@reddit

Unexpected TOOL reference.

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TheEndoftheBottle@reddit

At least know you're a saint and people close to you know that about you

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Mother_of_Kiddens@reddit

I’m not comment OP but another parent of an autistic kid. Not profoundly autistic but still severely autistic (level 3 but no intellectual disability).

Parents of autistic kids aren’t saints or heroes or whatever. We’re just regular people who happened to have a disabled kid and are trying to do the best we can with limited resources, both logistically and mentally. We aren’t a different kind of parent for having had a high needs child. We’re all just regular people who got thrust into a hard situation.

Also, you wouldn’t believe the amount of criticism you receive as the parent of an autistic kid. The amount of blame and denial and terrible advice is mind boggling. Believe me, no one thinks I’m a saint.

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tuwts@reddit

Yeah. I’m kind of in that boat. I live a good life. It just seems pointless. I feel untethered to the world in a way I didn’t expect… then I sleep in late and remind myself why it’s not so bad.

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bat_in_the_stacks@reddit

I feel like considering kids as bringing meaning to one's life is kind of weird too. It's an extremely common thing for people to have kids. Parenting well is undoubtedly an achievement, but for that to be how someone distinctively made their mark on the world?

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tealccart@reddit

It makes sense to me. You’re passing your life’s knowledge to another person directly by raising them.

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tuwts@reddit

I agree. It seems sad?

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tealccart@reddit

Yeah the untethered part really resonates, and I find it’s something people with kids just don’t get.

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imtooldforthishison@reddit

I am 47 and have 4 total, they're all young adults now and I rarely see them as they have lives and jobs outside the home. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself now.

Middle aged "what do I do now?" Is going to get you whether you have kids or not.

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EternalSunshineClem@reddit

Middle aged "what do I do now?" Is going to get you whether you have kids or not.

Yep, this. I'm happily child free without regrets about my life choices, but the thought of working full time for another 25 years makes me want to bounce off a rooftop

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BlackZapReply@reddit (OP)

It's like that, then we find Reddit.😊

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tuwts@reddit

This is what I tell myself.

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Golden_Enby@reddit

If you have the means, being a foster parent can mean the world to orphaned/unwanted children. Kids were never in my plans, and I don't regret it, but I sympathize with those who wanted that life, but for one reason or another, it didn't/couldn't happen.

If you have nieces and/or nephews, you can dote on them. I've known a ton of people, especially women, who do that if they never got to have kids of their own.

Even though I can't empathize with the intense desire to be a parent since it never happened to me, I try to help people who are grieving that loss by offering alternatives if available. As others have mentioned, there are plenty of mentoring and volunteer work involving children. Search up local ones to you.

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DirtRight9309@reddit

i hope for your sake that you and your wife were on the same page about not wanting to have them (earlier). if she wanted them and you “chickened out”, now is not the time to bring up to her that you changed your mind 😬

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BlackZapReply@reddit (OP)

She wanted, and I wanted but didn't feel confident enough about our situation. We then moved on to not actively trying for it and not actively avoiding it. Now we're both kind of bummed about not having tried harder when we could have pulled it off.

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DirtRight9309@reddit

yeah, i mean far it from me to tell you how to handle your 20+ year long marriage (and congrats btw!), but the subject can be pretty devastating for us women who have reached an age where it’s for the most part physically impossible/improbable. i’m not convinced men fully understand (since y’all can literally have children forever) those feelings and i can’t emphasize enough how sensitive the subject can be. which isn’t to take away at all from your feelings about it. just to say — tread lightly.

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invisible_panda@reddit

Especially when men are notorious for divorcing their wives for women half theor age so they can have a brood of mid-life crisis babies.

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DirtRight9309@reddit

i mean, that is where my head was at somewhat 😬 it’s different for women. a man can most likely still have children into his 70’s. it’s not the same for men and women and shouldn’t be treated the same.

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BlackZapReply@reddit (OP)

We've come to terms with it. Both of us are past our "best by" dates when it comes to that. It makes it easier to accept, but doesn't help much with the occasional regrets.

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Murda981@reddit

Yeah, kids are something you are never really ready for, so if you wait until you're ready it'll be too late. I was in grad school and broke as hell when I had my oldest, and that's what my dad told me, and someone told him the same when he and my mom were getting ready to have me.

You could always try fostering or mentoring. It can be very rewarding and you'll be helping kids who really need it.

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manofredearth@reddit

100% this. Individual therapy would be the best bet at this point.

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Roseheath22@reddit

I’m 43, together with my husband 22+ years, with a 9 year old. We were on the fence for a long time but then decided to go for it and become parents in our early/mid 30’s. Parenting is not like I expected it would be and I don’t particularly enjoy it. I am a good parent. Our kid is happy and healthy. Our lives are pretty good, all things considered. If I had it to do over again, though, I would not have a kid. I think it’s better to regret not having a kid than to regret having one, especially when you consider the current state of the world.

That said, you could still foster - the world needs more good foster parents. And you’re not too old. My aunt fostered kids in her 50’s and 60’s.

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SnoozuRN@reddit

I'm 45F with a 12 and 7 year old. I had a rough morning with them and was crying thinking about how I feel that I will never be able to achieve the carefree happiness I had before having kids. That woman is gone forever. And this is what I chose for my life.

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Roseheath22@reddit

I empathize. I feel like this perspective is still considered kind of taboo and most people don’t acknowledge it.

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Big_Surround3395@reddit

43, married for 13, together 16, no kids (i do count our 3 cats) . We kept putting it off until later, mostly financial concerns. Then about 10ish years ago, around the time she was turning 30, she revealed she probably never would want to have em. I was ok with it. I love her, shes my favorite person, she had very good reasons for her decision.

I dont regret it. Dont think youre wrong for feeling the way you do though.

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Petraaki@reddit

Adopt? Foster? It's not for everyone, but those kids really need parents

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Austaras@reddit

Go volunteer at a big brothers big sisters organization.

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WENUS_envy@reddit

42 and 43, struggled through infertility and had one IVF success at 38, but she was extraordinarily medically complex and died just before her 2nd birthday. She was the only grandkid on both sides - each of us has an older sibling with no kids.

And now our parents have started going too. This life is really fucking wacky. I adopted a new motto when my daughter died, which I found inadvertently in a gif library: "lol nothing matters"

It's not untrue.

However - I just read a really cool book last week about a Mohawk Indian who was dying at our age and felt his life had no meaning. His uncle, the healer, said "Did you love? Did you receive love? Then your life has meaning." I am really trying to remember this.

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DesignDozen@reddit

Beautiful thoughts in your last paragraph. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Hope you’re doing okay.

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QueerTree@reddit

I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for talking about your daughter and your way of finding meaning through the unthinkable ❤️

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AshDogBucket@reddit

I would be curious as to why you're bummed about it. Is it because you have a deep desire for children? Is it because you feel like it's a milestone you're supposed to achieve? Is it because you want more kids in your life?

Most of my life I wanted kids. In the last 10 years I changed my plans and decided not to have them. I haven't regretted it and I don't think I will. Also, I think kids are great and I enjoy spending time with other people's.

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BlackZapReply@reddit (OP)

It's kind of like those stories where the main character didn't hit the home run vs if he had, and how that would have effected his life. For me, it's the sense that I never even tried to swing the bat.

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Spiritual_Sorbet_870@reddit

Have you tried talking to a therapist about this? Its totally normal to wonder about “what ifs” in life, but it sounds like this is affecting you more than a casual “what if” moment and some time with a therapist can give you some guided ways to process what sounds kind of like grief.

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AshDogBucket@reddit

I wish it were more common to acknowledge that this feeling of not having had kids is a kind of grief, even for those of us who are 100% okay with that decision.

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Spiritual_Sorbet_870@reddit

I’m a big proponent of normalizing that grief isn’t only a response to death or always a big of emotions as it’s portrayed in media. And grief doesn’t necessarily equal regret. In this case it could be mourning the feeling of still having a choice, even if you’re happy with the choice you made.

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Aggravating-Wrap4861@reddit

Hey friend! I had a bit of both worlds. Accidentally had a kid at 20. I only got to see my son every few weekends. He's grown up now and we have a great relationship (not perfect but still great).

Here's my take: Neither having kids nor having free time/money ultimately satisfy. Happiness comes from a deeper level. The feeling of having missed out on something is just a thing that naturally happens. Tons of parents secretly wish they'd never had kids. Everyone wishes they could change stuff.

I think this is just part of aging.

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frozenlotion@reddit

This is perfect. Beautifully stated. Thank you

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danielleiellle@reddit

I’ve been on the fence for a while but the thing that keeps me in this lane: I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having kids.

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Ughinvalidusername@reddit

That’s legit. My neighbors regret it and they, and their kids, are miserable. It’s so sad to watch, and hear about.

I love having kids and I welcome theirs into my home almost daily. But, kids are hard and relentless and there’s no escape if you aren’t cut out for it. Good on you for knowing

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apuginthehand@reddit

Not going to delve into why, but this deeply resonated with me and I really needed to read this today. Thank you, truly.

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withbellson@reddit

This might resonate: The Ghost Ship that Didn’t Carry Us

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Potential-Budgie994@reddit

I’m married 20 years, 47f with no kids. I honestly feel great. I enjoy my job well enough and having ample free time allows me to workout most days, pursue my own interests and spend lots of time enjoying life with my husband.

One of my hobbies is donating platelets, which is somewhat time-consuming and I might not be able to manage as often if I had kids. I like to think that when I donate I give a parent or grandparent a good day to spend with theirs, or maybe help save someone else’s kiddo. Doing something for others can often be a real mood-lift for the giver.

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Chlemtil@reddit

Are you OP’s wife having this passive aggressive fight on Reddit?

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Potential-Budgie994@reddit

Ha! Not that I know of!

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draculasbloodtype@reddit

As the daughter of someone going through treatment for leukemia, thank you SO much for doing it. You are literally a lifesaver.

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ryhoyarbie@reddit

43 guy here, never married, no kids. I teach high school students, so I get enough of them during the day.

One of the 11th graders here had her mom abandon her about 5 years ago. I believe her dad passed away years ago. She is now with her 4th or 5th foster family. She’s dealt with a lot in a short time.

As others mentioned, become a mentor. Lots of kids around the country if not your local city need support.

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oOmus@reddit

I wish more people got involved with mentorship programs! I’m a data analyst for county child welfare and can say that there’s a need for pretty much anything you can imagine.

When I was married, we decided on no kids for a number of reasons, not least of which would be the chance of passing on my autoimmune crap. Even if I really wanted a kid, knowing what I have gone through, I don’t think I could handle taking that risk

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teatimecats@reddit

Any tips for the general public on how to get connected with these opportunities? I have people with a variety of availability levels who aren’t sure where to start. Most of what they’ve been finding are for hospice, but some would like to support the kids, as well.

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oOmus@reddit

Oh absolutely! My suggestion may sound weird, but, trust me, it works. It can be difficult to navigate the bureaucracy of human services and find someone who can name opportunities, so the quickest way (in my experience) is to use google to get in touch with one community resource. If you can manage that, you’re golden. Most programs involved with child welfare are aware of some, if not most, of the others for your area. I just googled it to test and found findhelp.org where you can enter your zip and a bunch of service providers will pop up. Bonus- one of these programs will almost certainly have an established contact with a caseworker or child welfare admin that can also get you some options!

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teatimecats@reddit

It actually doesn’t sound that weird. I’ve trawled some organization’s websites myself and come up empty. Calling didn’t always work, either. The tip to focus on one is definitely going to help a couple of my lost lambs. Thanks for taking the time to give some advice!

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typically_wrong@reddit

6-7!!!

Sorry

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macbookwhoa@reddit

Married, no kids, loving life. I see how tired my sister and her husband are and they’ve raised two very good and kind boys. We have money, time, and two cats who receive way more love than two kids would ever.

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Retying3043@reddit

What do you think you will get out of having kids?

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New_Needleworker_473@reddit

45f. 2 kids, 3f and 12m, separated 4 months pending divorce after 20 years of marriage, and no regrets. None. Even though my STBX is not a person I can tolerate on the daily, I don't regret the time we had together, I don't regret trying to make it work and I am very content with my present situation.

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Traditional_Foot9641@reddit

Have you considered joining Big Brothers Big Sisters? It might not totally fill that baby missing somethingness but I think you could change a life and make lifelong, rewarding connections along the way. This is what I do.

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Fahlulah@reddit

My aunt and uncle began fostering and then ultimately adopted their foster daughter. The country is in desperate need for fosters.

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elevenatexi@reddit

Be thankful you don’t have kids. Very thankful.

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Specialist_Action_85@reddit

I mean, do you feel like your life is empty without? Is your wife also saying she regrets not having kids? If no to those questions, it's okay to have not had kids. Dual income, no kids over here and not regretting a thing. If the answer is yes, it's never too late to foster or adopt if you really want kids

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LimpDiscus@reddit

41, Married for 15 and 2 kids under 10.

Enjoy your peace and quiet that you have worked so hard for.

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BlackZapReply@reddit (OP)

Peace, quiet?

With three cats in an apartment with rather thin walls, I've always been curious about things like that.

😁

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lifeuncommon@reddit

What is it that you want out of having kids?

If you want them for altruistic reasons, you can get involved in any number of child mentorship programs. There are lots of kids struggling and suffering who could use your time, energy, money, and wisdom.

If you wanted kids to make your life interesting or to take care of you when you got old, you probably would’ve been disappointed anyway.

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BlackZapReply@reddit (OP)

What is it that you want out of having kids?

I guess it's the process of discovering. I never really knew what I would get out of getting married, but I did. No regrets there.

I've heard many people talk about the best and worst years of their lives, and there always seems to be some overlap.

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Natural-Honeydew5950@reddit

Foster children! There are so many that need a safe home.

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_TheWolfOfWalmart_@reddit

I am kind of finding myself really wanting to have kids before it's too late recently. I'm doing well in life, but it feels kind of empty as in like what's the point? No purpose to it without kids to raise for the next generation really.

I mean, I have some awesome parakeets and I love them, we're very close but it's not the same lol

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Maximum_Display9212@reddit

You can still try for a kid or two. Yes, I know the risks are greater when you're older, but things can also turn out well. You should have a talk with your wife and then your doctor.

My mother unexpectedly became pregnant when she was in her mid 50s. This surprised my parents like crazy. I was around 20 when this happened. She's 75 now and my youngest sister, the unexpected baby, is doing fine.

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a-gelatocookie@reddit

Cats count.

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Renegade-Pervert@reddit

Married 13, no kids, tried, didn't happen. We travel instead. Quite happy.

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CplHicks_LV426@reddit

49 also, married almost 20 years, daughter is 23. We really lucked out, our daughter is fantastic. College grad, lives at home, has a good job, helps out around the house.

If you really want to try it out, become a foster parent. Plenty of babies/toddlers/kids/tweens and teens that need a safe place to call home for a while.

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Upset-Word151@reddit

You can foster! SO much need for that everywhere

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sleepyj910@reddit

Also volunteering for youth organizations! Coaches and others don’t need to be parents.

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Lavender_r_dragon@reddit

When my (step)sons aged out of Boy Scouts and went back to Girl Scouts - I am now the leader for a troop of 20 k-5th grade scouts who keep me on my toes lol

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rayofgoddamnsunshine@reddit

This cannot be overstated. I volunteered as a youth leader with a man who didn't have kids, he just wanted to give back to his community and share his wisdom. He was one of the most dedicated leaders we had, and all the kids adored him.

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TinyRandomLady@reddit

Or adopt! Or foster to adopt! Plenty of kids/teens that need good homes/role models!

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birdieponderinglife@reddit

I would love to but first you have to have a home set up with certain things to be considered. I have eked out a small life for myself, put myself through college, etc but I live in a VHCOL area and there’s no way I can save a down or buy. I am barely managing to afford the rent on a 1br. Two is out of reach so while I’d love to foster and specifically I’m interested in older kids and teens I cannot because it’s too damn expensive to afford my own living expenses. I wish there was some way to get past this barrier so I could foster. I’m sure there are lots of folks just like me.

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carlyv22@reddit

The immediate goal of the foster system is always family reunion. I completely understand it’s not always feasible but saying “foster to adopt” is likening kids to a rent to own system. You really need to be committed to providing complex care to a child who has lived through some pretty horrendous circumstances with the mentality that, as much as you may love this child, you are likely not their forever parent. I’m saying this as an adoptive parent who never would have been able to handle that. It’s not a simple system for simple situations.

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Swimminginthestorm@reddit

Everyone I know who does “foster to adopt” does commit themselves and realize the issues. However, it does make you much more likely to be accepted for adoption. It’s just easier to be approved to foster and then adopt vs getting approved to adopt out the door.

Downside is that there’s more room for bad foster parents. Upside that there’s more room for good foster parents who make just under the required amount to get approved for standard adoption.

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carlyv22@reddit

100% agree with you. In my state (VA) foster and adoption standards have merged, so at least some states are recognizing a need to move adoption home studies through at a pace similar to foster situations. I’m just so sensitive to the “foster to adopt” language because our home study agency pointed out that it makes it sound like you’re planning to take a kid out for a trial run and it’s been found to be just an overall negative. It sounds nitpicky but if people are interested in adopting, that’s all they need to say, whether it’s from the foster system or a private agency. There’s a lot of language commonly used that unintentionally diminishes the kids or biological parents and I’d have never known if someone didn’t tell me - so I always want to pay it forward.

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drainbamage1011@reddit

Seconding adoption, but DO YOUR HOMEWORK FIRST. The process can be expensive and time-consuming depending on the country, and kids from traumatic backgrounds and institutional care come with their own set of unique challenges and needs compared to biological children.

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DreamsAndSchemes@reddit

Agencies also have no problem bullshitting you as we found out

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drainbamage1011@reddit

Our placement agency was really good at walking us through the process, and had mandatory parent classes on attachment, grieving, etc. But on the other end that coordinates with the (international) government agencies and the orphanages, you could tell there was sketchy stuff going on. Falsified and inconsistent medical records, mistreatment, questionable stories of the children's origins and how they ended up in institutional care, etc, and the agency ignores or sugarcoats it because rocking the boat too much would scare off prospective parents or lose their certification to do the work at all.

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moissan2nite@reddit

The answer to so many questions posed to this sub is Therapy.

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tilebiter@reddit

Yeah, OP, this is a weird take on a life. It reads a bit like a checklist: marriage ✅, 20 years married ✅, made it to the age of >45 ✅, no kids though.

I kind of get where you’re coming from. I felt sad when I realized that my husband and I would be in our nineties, should we make it to our fiftieth anniversary. Chances are high that one or both of us won’t.

But my marriage is happy. My husband is the one I want to spend the time I have with the most. Could you feel better focusing on your wife and your own happiness, instead of what you can’t have?

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BlackZapReply@reddit (OP)

Most days it's not a problem. There's just something sad about knowing in the end that it'll all become an estate sale.

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FelineFine83@reddit

My take as someone who is pretty anti-stuff (but not an extreme minimalist) - It probably would anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️. Outside of maybe photos, I can’t think of any “stuff” I’d want to inherit. At least at an estate sale you know the people buying it actually want the item vs off loading a mountain of stuff on some kid that may not actually want it but now feels like they can’t get rid of it because it was their late parent’s.

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thechristoph@reddit

I was always staunchly child free. Bad things happened to me and I know I would go off the deep end in some form or fashion if I brought a child into the world and they had the same bad things happen. I decided the best way to protect my child is to not have a child. And as it turns out it wasn’t possible for us anyway, so no big deal.

About ten years ago a friend of ours got pregnant and it made me weird. Just feeling things I’d never felt. Since then, I would occasionally get wistful for things I’d never experience.

We have a three year old nephew who is just the grooviest dude in the universe and lets me experience a few of these things. Like taking him to the zoo and seeing the wonder on his face. Best of all worlds, really.

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RaccoonObjective5674@reddit

No kids here but I am a Guncle to two amazing kids that I love dearly. It’s not the same, but I have a close relationship with them that I treasure.

Growing up gay as an Xennial, role models and examples of gay marriage and parenthood were essentially non-existent. I had a bit of arrested development around that I suppose. Now in a relationship for over a year, and it’s been nice! I have been thinking about other ways to give back/mentor youth.

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startfragment@reddit

42 with two kids aged 5 and 8.

The older one had childhood leukemia during peak COVID, lived in a hospital for just over a year. The stress of the situation was immense, I had multiple breakdowns and am still recovering from the trauma of it all. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see him as not “fragile”.

Anyways, there were so many ways that people were volunteering to help with the kids in the hospital, help is especially needed on holiday weekends when staff is short.

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Omgkimwtf@reddit

40 woman here, never married, once engaged, never kids, always cats.

I kind of wanted kids when I was with my fiance, but after we split, the desire went away and never came back. I like kids well enough, especially in small groups or on a one-on-one basis, but I just didn't have to strong need to procreate and have one of my own.

I'm an awesome auntie, though.

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spartagus81@reddit

Grass is always greener. 44 y.o had a child at 42. Regret it completely. My wife isn't the same person anymore, and I find myself not liking her anymore, then I guess theres resentment towards my kid for ruining my relationship. I just feel like I was never cut out to be a dad and I really don't enjoy it now affirming my original beliefs.

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TrustAffectionate966@reddit

Getting married and having kids are for rich people. That kinda decided things for me.

🧉🦄👍🏽

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Intelligent-Camera90@reddit

I have never been bothered or feel regrets about my decision to not have children. I’ve known for a very long time that they wouldn’t be part of my life and I don’t feel unfulfilled. There’s also too many medical things, including history of addiction and other mental health issues on both sides, so I don’t really think it’s fair.

I am incredibly close to my first-born niece - I was 14 when she was born, and my parents got her very young, so we had a few years growing up together. Not the same aunt/niece relationship I have with my other nieces.

I have time and money to spend on the things I need and on the things I want, plus I am able to help take care of those I love.

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ComprehensiveTart689@reddit

The kid regret may be part of something a lot of people experience in middle age where they start to wonder “what is my purpose”. If you have kids it’s easy to default to “my purpose is being a parent”, although I personally think that can be a cop out for some people. HOWEVER, I have been doing some work and I am coming to believe that you don’t need to have a purpose. That being is enough. But if you are feeling adrift and “purposeless” and need to feel a part of something, volunteering may be a way to explore whether that is what is bothering you. Mentoring kids/young adults, as others have suggested, but even helping at your local food bank or with another community organization might make you feel better, or, if it doesn’t, at least help you explore what it IS that’s bothering you and how to address it. And, of course, therapy is great if you can do it. Sending you good energy for your journey forward.

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soclydeza84@reddit

Exactly. I think what most people look for in having kids (in terms of purpose) is feeling like they're passing their own influence on to a younger generation. This used to bother me too (I dont have kids) until I realized there were men in my life who influenced me when I was younger who didnt even have kids themselves. You just need to impact someone, blood has nothing to do with it, and there are so many ways to do that at any age.

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Lucky_Louch@reddit

43 married 17 years and 4 cats with no kids. I get pings of regret here and there but we never felt financially stable enough to pull the trigger and then before we knew it we were in our 40's. My wife teaches kindergarden and does get fulfillment from that but I worry she will resent not having kids at some point and am dreading that potential day.

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MilaVaneela@reddit

I relate completely. Married 13 years, no kids here. Close to 40. We never had kids because I’m unable to which, according to some, makes me defective as a woman? I get it, it sucks.

That said, we had a whole cascade of events that maybe it was better that kids weren’t involved (I had cancer, my husband got badly injured in a work accident and I was my dad’s caregiver when he had cancer).

I do volunteer (with my dog) with an animal therapy program for kids and seniors so that actually helps! I love our therapy kids and when I was in the hospital one time with pneumonia the kids sent me a cute card and some candy and treats for my pup, that meant so much to me. So in a way, they help me while I’m helping them.

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taxilicious@reddit

Be thankful you didn’t do the kids thing. It absolutely sucks and you’re not guaranteed healthy kids. And when you get a disabled kid… your entire life is thrown upside down. It’s not worth it.

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VisiblePlatform6704@reddit

44M here, marriednfor 17 years and no kids. We are living our best life. Both wife and I didn't want kids and were clear about that since we started dating.

We've got 2 dogs and a cat, and that's enough responsibility for me.

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OpiumPhrogg@reddit

5 kids , 2 grand kids and one on the way. Over this past summer, it seemed like in a blink of an eye they now just swoop in to visit, and swoop out to go back to their own lives. It's changed from they needed me and my time all those years, to I miss time and need more of it now that they are all off doing their own thing.
I'm glad they are off figuring out life as best as they can at their age, I was adamant that they get out and go see the world and such. It's just kind of a weird lonely ness when you don't have to be in DAD Mode and aren't really sure what else to do with yourself.
I'm sure it will come in time.
Guess I didn't really answer your question?

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thethirdllama@reddit

Lots of comments here mentioning fostering or adoption, but just wanted to let you know about another possibility with far less commitment. My wife and I are childfree (IVF doesn't always work...) but about 10 years ago we started hosting high school aged foreign exchange students. Usually you'll host for an entire school year and the students in these programs are generally great kids. We've hosted a bunch over the years and it allowed us to have a scaled-back but still genuine parenting experience. And now we have "kids" all over the world that we have an excuse to go visit in the future. It's worked out great for us!

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Iittletart@reddit

Think about mentoring or becoming active in your community. You don't need to be a father to have an impact on a young person.
I personally also make sure to use the opportunities being childless provides: time for personal cultivation and creative projects. Make sure you and your spouse are using your time to celebrate what you love and want to do. If you have time to think about what could have been then you have time to be creative and adventurous.

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KyleSidebotton@reddit

Your local Big Brothers Big Sisters organization is always in need of Bigs. It's a bit of fun uncle, a bit of mentorship, and a lot of just being there for someone who needs it. 41/m, married, no kids.

Seriously, consider it.

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heyitscory@reddit

I got a vasectomy when I was 19. It's totally okay to not have children.

If you need something who depends on you for everything and takes up most of your time because of some vague idea that that's some milestone you're supposed to do, there's a shit ton of kids that need loving homes.

If you don't want to deal with all that, that's perfectly fine to not really need or want to be a parent or have a bigger family, but I hope that helps you feel perfectly fine about not breeding, which is also ok. There's nothing to feel guilty about and there's nothing to regret.

There is no shortage of people in the world for you to love. You've found them before and you'll always find more.

I hope you continue to do cool things with the extra time and money, if you still feel shame, guilt or regret. That helps.

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Eclectic_Paradox@reddit

Married 20 years, no kids. We are fine. I have some health issues that would have made pregnancy a nightmare for me if I could even get pregnant at all (don't know, never actively tried). We both kinda landed in the same place in being glad we did not. I think about it from time to time, but I know I wouldn't have had the physical, mental and emotional capacity to handle parenthood. We both like our freedom and peace. Besides the world is falling apart. I would be mess worried about my kid constantly.

Your feelings are normal and valid. I think it's just the middle aged slump many of us fall into. You look back at your choices and wonder if you made the right decisions. Somehow you have to make peace with where you are and with who you are. Try going to therapy to help unpack these feels. Good luck.

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Whoremagick69@reddit

Why do you want kids?

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Solifuga@reddit

CATS ABSOLUTELY DO COUNT.

Monster!

I'm 47, delightedly and deliberately child free (well I have one, nine years old, walks on all fours, kind of hairy,, mainly catches his own dinner despite my desires to the contrary) and while I don't hang with a lot of parents, honestly all of those I know are perpetually on their last nerves, struggling, always short on cash despite mainly having good incomes, and more parents that I know than not have at least one kid with some sort of issue/challenge such as ADHD or being somewhere on the autism spectrum with manifestations of such that are difficult, etc.

The grass isn't always greener. The idea of parenting in the millennium looks a lot like throwing yourself (and potential offspring) to the sharks and hoping for the best.

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taptaptippytoo@reddit

So I saw your comment about feeling like this is a movie where the main character got a home run or didn't, and you never swung the bat. The thing is, you'll never know what would have happened if you had swung that bat. Maybe you'd be living a suburban dream, or maybe you or your wife would have hated it and the stress would have led to divorce. Maybe tragedy would have struck and your have lost your wife and child during childbirth. Or maybe you'd be like most of us who had kids, loving them and struggling with bills and the pressure of parenting and trying to ignore the looming feeling that you aren't as good of a parent as you want to be and your child is suffering because of it

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Alice_600@reddit

Can I ask have you considered getting her therapy? Or of you cant do it anymore considered putting her up for adoption.

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BasicReputations@reddit

I am sorry that happened to you. The whole no-kid movement is a overall a damaging one I think.

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_blooferlady@reddit

I regret not having been more career focused. I went to a very academically competitive high school so it feels like most of my schoolmates are doctors, lawyers, CEOs etc. Meanwhile, I burnt out badly after grad school and focused on my mental health. Tbh I handled this by deleting FB and social media. I live my life, I'm mostly happy and content and I try not to compare myself to others.

As for kids, what do you feel you are missing out on? Do you want more companionship? Look into meetups for hobbies you're into in your city. The chance to pass on things you've learned? Ask around for tutoring opportunities (my library has a program for volunteers to read with elementary school kids, for example), participate in a Big Brother Big Sister program, etc.

The grass is greener where it's watered!

Guaranteed, if you can find fulfillment in those things and still get to sleep in on the weekends you'll get those parents of young kids (like me) jealous as hell lol.

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CheeseGraterFace@reddit

I’m still a pretty big kid myself, so I certainly don’t need any other kids to look after. Old age will be interesting. And by interesting I mean spent in a nursing home. But I’ll deal with that when I get there.

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cautionlasers@reddit

Foster some kids who need stability

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Organic-lemon-cake@reddit

Well that’s too bad that you feel that way. My husband would make an amazing dad but neither of us wanted kids. But sometimes I do feel like it would have been fine. I don’t regret my choice though—I still believe that I’d rather regret not having kids than having them and a part of me thinks I would definitely have regretted it.

I think you may feel regretful because you didn’t take decisive action and forcefully choose to go one way or the other

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Hot_Gas_8073@reddit

Just had my 20th wedding anniversary this year, no kids, many cats and dogs, they keep me busy. I never got the urge for kids, at best I'm indifferent about them. Found out by 22 that I couldn't have them so I never put much thought into it past that. Been with the same man and he's never expressed wanting them either.

I'm starting to consider fostering older kids, but with the current state of the nation I don't know if I could afford to now. I might have missed my window.

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GenericDave65@reddit

I’m married 20 years, 45 and two dogs (they do count). I’m not even remotely bummed about not having kids.

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wheres_the_revolt@reddit

46 married to a 49 y/o man, together for 17 years, no kids. I’m so fucking happy, I could not imagine trying to raise kids in this world today.

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2yearlurking_10_19@reddit

Would you be interested in fostering or mentoring children?

Just because you can’t/didn’t have kids doesn’t mean you can’t make a difference in a child’s life.

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CottaBird@reddit

42, no kids, but still want them. My wife is 34 and wants kids. We just haven’t been in a position the last five years to make it happen. We’re moving out of this 300sqft tiny house sh!t hole next spring, though, so we’ll finally have space to start a family in a state we can afford to.

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officialspinster@reddit

How does your wife feel about it?

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Nephite11@reddit

I’m turning 46 in two weeks and have been married for 17 years next month. We did decide to have children but it took us some time to get pregnant. Our daughters are 13 and 10 right now so we’re just getting into the thick of the teenage girl hormone/drama period.

As others have said, it might be too late to have children on your own, but adopting or foster care are options. Being a parent is one of the hardest but most rewarding things that I have ever done. They help me work on my patience, are a great source of love, keep me working hard at myself/job/teaching them things, and are a big focus of my life. I highly encourage you to pursue this sooner than later

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Cactilily@reddit

45 female, here. When I was younger, I wanted kids. Then, once I got my dream job at 29, my career took priority… until I got leukemia and had to decide between starting treatment immediately or delay to try to preserve eggs. Since I would likely die if I delayed treatment, I went forward with it and 4 months later had a bone marrow transplant - Medically induced menopause at 33 years old. I get said sometimes when I hear of friends who have gotten pregnant or whatever but then I think of how I don’t have the energy for a child.

My mom told me back then, it’s the babies that are here that matter, not the ones that aren’t. Idk, that seems to help sometimes. I have a fur baby, Mia, and even she’s a lot sometimes. Not her but just my lack of energy (there were complications after transplant).

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DirtyPuppyToucher@reddit

Cats count! You have 3 kids! Dote on them and embrace being a cat dad.

But alternately. There is fostering, adopting, mentoring. Big brothers big sisters stuff. Al kinds of things. I hope you find something that works for you.

I sometimes think I wish I had kids but I think it would have ruined my marriage We would parent differently. And it would end us. And I love him more than I love the idea of kids. I’m happy with my fur babies

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BlackZapReply@reddit (OP)

I joke that the only real difference between cats and kids is that nobody expects you to send your cats to college.

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GenXMillenial@reddit

Consider hosting a foreign exchange student!

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codebygloom@reddit

44 here in the same boat, only 5 more years, 3 more cats, and 2 dogs to boot.

We wanted the kids, but it just never happened, and the cost of trying medically was out of reach until recently, and we don't want to deal with it now.

But we've decided to try our hands at being foster parents and possibly adopting that way.

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erino3120@reddit

I feel the same way about never trying to be on mtv spring break. Too late now. (We have no kids- my four dogs remind me I made the right decision and would not want to turn my life over to caring for small humans)

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eatyourface8335@reddit

42M - Married - No kids- 2 Dogs - 1 cat - No Regerts

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Mike__O@reddit

My wife and I are 42. We will have been married 20 years this coming year. We decided from the start that kids weren't for us. Every once in a while I get a bit of a "what if" kind of feeling, but overall I'm happy with how things worked out.

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FreeTicket6143@reddit

Been together for 22yrs. No way we could have afforded it until recently. The stress probably would u e broke us early on. She never wanted kids and has no desire to be a mom. I have bouts where I think about it but it’s usually for selfish reasons.

Seeing the world recently has made me realize we made the right choice.

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GrolarBear69@reddit

Adopt two children at the age they would be if you actually had tried originally. So if it was ten years ago I garrantee there are some gratefull Orphaned ten year olds out there. Or just go by how old you are now and what you can keep up with.
A newborn at 48 has you dealing with a teenager in your sixties.
Also....... Everyone wants to adopt a newborn and the older ones get forgotten.

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flittingly1@reddit

It's not all it's cracked up to be! You're only attached to one person for life, plus your cats. As soon as you have a kid, someone is there with you for the rest of your life. Your decisions have other lives in mind. Kids change everything, every plan, every dream... I don't regret kids, and it's comforting to know they'll be there all my life, but there's no more alone time... I always wanted kids, but if I could do it again... Not so sure. Have you heard of dink before? Double Income, No Kids! many of us with kids long for this... You can babysit and get that itch scratched!! Plus the parents will so appreciate this! Be a cool uncle, enjoy your anonymity!

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CarlSpackler22@reddit

Kids are overrated.

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Life_Grade1900@reddit

Early 40s, married more than 20, yet to meet a happy parent. Glad I dodged that bullet

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araloss@reddit

I'm going out on a limb here, but methinks you dont socialize with parents much. Which is unsurprising because parents tend to hang out with other parents.

But im a parent, and I'm very happy. My friends with kids are happy.

My kids mean the world to me. Literally. If they were gone it could all fucking burn.

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Life_Grade1900@reddit

Nope. Socialize with tons of parents at church. I hold their babies while they get a much needed break and time to recenter

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Merrie_Prankster@reddit

It already is burning.

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kuchikopi81@reddit

Same and Amen.

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foxontherox@reddit

Bingo.

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supergooduser@reddit

I can weigh in on this.

I was married for 15 years, got divorced 10 years ago when I was 35. Just through circumstance the kid thing never happened. Talked about it in therapy and for a number of reasons my therapist suggested I participate in the Big Brother program.

I'm coming up on my third year in the program, and I would absolutely take a bullet for this kid. It really is a situation where it's helped me out just as much as it's helped him.

The time commitment is relatively low, two hours a week twice a month.... but like... it's a troubled kid with a world of issues, and you're creating a space where they are the priority and the focus is on them. And just the gift of that is huge even if it doesn't feel like it.

There are arrangements where you can have a dual setup so you and your wife could mentor. Some people do this to kinda test run having kids.

If you want to know more feel free to message me.

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languagehacker@reddit

41/m, married 16 years to someone I've been with for 23 years. We knew very early on that we didn't think it would be a good move to bring another person into this world. Aside from the sleepless nights and the overbearing responsibility, the odds are that the generations to follow us are going to have an increasingly hard go of it. The planet is cooking. Inequality is getting worse. All that jazz.

I personally try to find meaning through being a mentor at work and volunteering in my community. I also feel like I've made the moral choice not to bring more people into the world when there are so many people having three, four, or five kids. Somebody's got to offset that. And when it comes to the natural instinct to cuddle and dote on something small and cute, that's what my dogs are for!

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Potential_Shelter624@reddit

Kids are expensive and not as much fun as the propaganda suggests + being middle aged comes with regrets. As a parent I second guess every parenting decision I have ever made, late at night-every night, Nø lol & this is all intertwined with the worry/grief/dread triad I live in~ running on a perpetual loop of fear for the future. I love these people with my entire soul, but parenting scrambled my brain.

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aubreypizza@reddit

Just visit regretful parents and mommit for a sec

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sleepy_potatoe_@reddit

You can adopt.

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Megaminisima@reddit

Does your partner still want kids?

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Roscoe_P_Trolltrain@reddit

I’m similar but without the regret. More time for hobbies. Take up woodworking if you don’t do something like it! Make stuff for your wife and cats. Maybe consider a big brother program? You’d probably quickly get your fill of little kids.

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Happy_dancer1982@reddit

Marriage part is a huge huge accomplishment! I have a 4yo but chose a not great father so am on my own at 43. Though I understand that the no kids bothers you, and I don’t have any platitudes for that. I’m glad I have my daughter, but I’m staring down the barrel of a long single life. Also not great (and I don’t believe in relationships anymore for me, so this is it). I’d love a great love but that’s not happening. Fostering is an option for you but obviously it’s not totally the same. And you might not want to. This age is tough - where we face our choices, evaluate options, but also have to deal with what isn’t but might have been. That’s it unfortunately.

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Strange_Airships@reddit

Single, middle aged, one kid. Also sad because I’m lonely as heck. My kid is my favorite person in the world, but I want a grownup relationship.

I get the desire for a kid though. I had the same desire and was so afraid it would never happen. It finally did when I was 35 and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world. If you have the parental instinct, you should use it! Foster kids need you! As soon as my kid is grown I plan to foster queer & trans tweens & teens so I can give them the love and support they’re not likely to get elsewhere. Folks don’t typically want to foster or adopt teens. The queer & trans kids have an especially tough time in the foster system, so I know they’ll need a grownup like me!

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PhoneJazz@reddit

Same, no kids here and I love the freedom but it makes me kind of sad that the back half of my life will be just losses.

People like to harp on “well kids aren’t guaranteed to be around when you are old”, but I work in senior care, and being a good parent increases your odds of having supportive and involved children, and having supportive and involved children makes growing old a lot easier.

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MisRandomness@reddit

I never had a life that offered me the opportunity to consider kids. Now I’m a little too old to give birth to a first (and too irritable to handle it anyways) but for the first time in my life have a great partner and I wish I could have one. Neither of us want to start this old. Instead of dwelling on that, we are prioritizing travel and flexibility not having kids. Maybe you both should identify if there’s a different lifestyle that would align better. In this world of family and children, people without don’t need to live the same way as their peers who have them.

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mickeltee@reddit

I don’t have kids. I have mixed feelings about it. Generally, I’m happy that I don’t have kids, but then I wonder what’s going to happen to me in 30 years.

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481126@reddit

You could foster children and if you feel you could handle it consider fostering special needs children or kids with complex medical issues. When I was in the hospital with my daughter there were often children who were abandoned or surrendered by their parents who spent months in hospital bc there wasn't any foster family that would take a kid with diabetes or a feeding tube. I'd want to rock those babies who were alone but it was against HIPAA.

Oh you could volunteer to be a baby rocker - volunteers who legit go and cuddle babies at the hospital.

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I_am_Forklift@reddit

Often men around our age have these feelings. Like there’s a hole. Something missing.

I know it’s confusing but usually what’s missing isn’t a child, it’s a Porsche. I hope one day you can experience the joy, love, and fulfillment of Porsche ownership.

It’s also a better financial decision

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kid_entropy@reddit

I'm in a very similar situation. I have some minor regrets, but I'm pretty happy about being able to sleep in on weekends.

Also considering how everything is right now, I'm relieved I didn't force anyone to go into a future I personally don't have a lot of faith in.

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HorrorAvatar@reddit

You can foster or adopt. When I told my mom I wasn’t having kids she started volunteering to be a Big Sister. That way she gets to hang out with a kid and I don’t have to have one. Win-win.

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J_Robert_Matthewson@reddit

First off, don't dismiss your pets. They're living things dependant on you for their care and health.

Second, the question you need to ask yourself is WHY you want kids now. It's not because of ba desire to nurture someone into a part of humanity that will make it better? Or is it because you're afraid there'll be no one to take care of you when you're old.

If it's the further, then consider fostering and adoption or even mentoring programs.

If it's the latter, then don't. Just... Don't. Look into investing for future care and needs, because offspring are not unpaid labor and the belief that they are needs to die with our parents.

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MetaverseLiz@reddit

What does your wife think? Did you both agree to not having children?

I was able to buy a house, leave an abusive husband, move across the country, and have a successful career because I didn't have kids. Also, I don't have permanent mental and physical issues due to giving birth. My mother has permanent health issues due to giving birth. Also, no one needed more of my family out int he world.

Even if you had kids, in 100ish years no one is going to remember your name. I have a bunch of photos from my great-grandmother, late 1800s, that we have no clue who they are. Even with names written on the back, I have zero connection to them. They're strangers.

We're all going to be worm food. Live the life you want to live to the fullest.

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Powerful_Leg8519@reddit

Volunteer with kids! There are so many kids who need an adult to learn from and look up to.

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tj_hooker99@reddit

42, single, no kids, never married, gave up on dating apps, dont even have a fwb. And in a state where uploading an ID is required for porn lol...Recent diagnosis basically cemented my single forever status. It sucks so I just go to concerts and festivals and attempt to forget about it. Add in the theory that i will have to take care of my mother within the decade, really no point in attempting to find a mate. Once I realized the fairytail story of love and marriage I was told growing up was just bs, it made it easier to accept the idea of no life partner.

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Cast2828@reddit

Adoption isn't the only option. There are organizations like Big Brothers/Big Sisters where you can make a difference in young peoples' lives. I'm in a similar situation as you, but I chose not to have kids due to my inability to be there emotionally and mentally all the time as a parent should be.

I always struggled with kids <10, even when I was in that age range. As a late diagnosed ADHD autistic, I now know why. Now that my nieces and nephews are above that, as well as some of my friends' kids, I find it much easier to communicate with them, and they like coming to me as the cool adult. I'm sure a lot of us wish we had another adult outside of our parents that we could trust for advice and a safe space to ask questions. If it's something I think is important, I relay it to the parents after letting the kid know I am going to do it and why. I'm honest with them, and they appreciate that. You don't need to be mean, but kids often don't want to be coddled and can tell when you're BSing them.

This works well for me as I can give kids undivided attention in bursts, it keeps me feeling looped into the younger cultural millieu, and I do feel like I am making meaningful connections and helping them out.

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flipnitch@reddit

Meh, I love my nieces and nephews and I love my freedom. I only now started thinking I could put my full energy into parenting but I don’t care if it happens at all. I think the only reason I’ve ever felt any longing to be a parent at all was my need to repaint myself after the travesty I was subjected to as a child..

Philosophically it’s pretty easy not to worry about it… no one has an actual legacy” anyway…even the most important people in history are rarely mentioned and if they never existed someone else would have accomplished the same things.

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WileyPap@reddit

after the travesty I was subjected to as a child

Seems like there's a tendency among my circle for those who felt valued as children to want children, and for those were were treated like a burden as kids to not want, well, burdens.

Hardly universal, but seems to make sense on an intuitive level.

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MartinMerten@reddit

no one has an actual legacy..

Not sure if that’s true. Knowledge is passed down through generations. That’s enough “legacy” for a species. The concept of becoming famous or an important figure of your generation is the false narrative.

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Designer_Emu_6518@reddit

Well have thought about how enjoy life without kids

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imtooldforthishison@reddit

Its better to regret having them then to regret having them.

You "chickened out" for a reason and thats ok.

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johntwilker@reddit

Wish I could relate OP. 48m. No kids. Married 20 as well. No regrets. Two dogs we love. We travel. We buy things we like. We spend on our nieces and nephews.

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throwawayfromPA1701@reddit

Foster to adopt! If you want. There's such a need for good foster parents.

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nytshaed512@reddit

Been married 19 years, no kids either. He's 50 and Im 43. I regret the decisions I made too. I have infertility and the time I did seem pregnant, it was a false pregnancy. I was terrified at the time. Not so terrified now. We also have critters, 2 dogs and 3 cats. Bedroom is dead and has been for years and Im coping.

Aging: I haven't dyed my hair in a couple years, and I don't even care I have grey hairs. I call it hair glitter! I have some skin discoloration around my forehead and temples, rosacea on my cheeks, and minimal age lines yet. I maintain RBF so not many lines.

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flash_match@reddit

Awwww. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Kids are so much work but mine have brought me more joy (and stress) than I could have ever predicted.

Is there any way for you to get involved as a “big brother” in your community? Kids will be vulnerable and amazingly fun with any adult who invests kindness and love in them. You can get a connection with a kid and make a huge difference in their lives still!

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illprobablyeditthis@reddit

I just want to say the use of html here tickled me

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foxontherox@reddit

Sometimes I've wondered if I'd regret not having kids. Now, I've never felt better about my decision.

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halfcabheartattack@reddit

I'm the other side of that coin, I never wanted/planned for kids and then had a surprise child in my late 30s. I'm beyond thankful that I have him now. He's literally the light of my life.

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ChromeDestiny@reddit

Part of me thinks if especially if I could have got it together with driving and under different circumstances that I would have made an amazing stay at home father but with the way things have gone for both me and the world I think it's good that I don't have kids.

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VegetarianCoating@reddit

What is it about not having children that is bothering you?

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genesimmonstongue415@reddit

OP adopt a kid.

I am these things & my personal life is good!

Thanks to my Vasectomy ✂️ & my Union.

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Seven22am@reddit

When we were ready to try, we said, Hey, if we have kids, there will be lots to like about that. If it doesn't work out, there will be lots to like about that! I had in mind things like, extra money, time to focus on our relationship, travel together, etc, time to really get into hobbies or learn a lot about something that interested me (or things that interest for, like, a month at a time lol...).

If you're feeling like connecting with others, sharing your skills, maybe find ways to work with youth. There be a youth group if you're connected to religious communities. There may be volunteer options with local sports league--coaching, officiating, etc. There be ways to get involved with Scouts, if that's your thing. Maybe look into Big Brothers/Sisters.

Otherwise, I'd suggest maybe scratching that itch with some other kind of community service--local homeless shelters/pantries, animal shelters, that sort of thing.

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ONROSREPUS@reddit

you can adopt. My close friend that is almost 50 just adopted a 3 year old kid.

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Farahild@reddit

Adoption isn’t a super easy process in many parts of the world.

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ONROSREPUS@reddit

Understood, Never said it was. Took my friend a year and a half to get approved.

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Farahild@reddit

Where do you live? Here in the Netherlands international adoption is out, and in our own country so few unwanted babies are born that chances of adopting are smaller than something like IVF. Additionally people after 42 are no longer eligible for supporting babies. Older children can only get adopted through foster care in very very rare situations as the goal is always to return them to their biological parents. Fostering is a great alternative but again with the goal of getting them back to their own biological parents. So basically adoption just isn’t a realistic option here at all. It’s not even a matter of time or money, there are just no chances.

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Oubastet@reddit

Yep, adoption is a good choice. I am adopted, although my parents were 39/41.

I'm a little younger than OP, same partner for 12 years, two cats and no kids. There's something to be said for being DINKS though. No regrets here. :)

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ONROSREPUS@reddit

My wife and I are DINKS as well no regrets at all.

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MadameTree@reddit

I got married young. He left as I edged toward 40 but now I’m totally free and living my 20s with a worse body but more wisdom. There is no good time to have kids but I’m glad I had one. If I had to do it now, I wouldn’t and probably couldn’t. Life never works according to plan. You make the best of your decisions and circumstance.

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BugEquivalents@reddit

Maybe start off volunteering as a big brother or something like that, and if you really like it you can try to foster or adopt as others are suggesting! I opted to adopt a dog, and thats been great for me.

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FoppyRETURNS@reddit

If your spouse is on the same page, the greatest good any ordinary person can do in this life is a adopt or foster a child and raise them well!

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proxminesincomplex@reddit

Some of my neighbors just started fostering some littles (toddler brothers) over the summer and they’re worn out but are really happy about it. 45 and mid to late 30s couple.

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Budget_Assistant1425@reddit

There are lots of ways to connect with children who need quality relationships with adults- tutoring, coaching, volunteering, mentoring, etc. You and your wife could be foster parents to a child who needs temporary care, or look into paths to adoption.

Or just find a good thread about being child free. Those people love to boast about how not having children is the best decision they ever made and maybe they’ll remind you that the grass isn’t always greener and what not.

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LostLetter9425@reddit

Dog!

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firehawk2324@reddit

I'm a huge advocate for adoption. There are so many children that deserve homes.

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wthamigonnadonow@reddit

I’m M 49 on Sunday, on my second marriage, and had kids after 40. Tbh I thought I’d have kids earlier in life, but that didn’t happen. If you truly regret not having kids I think you should sit down and talk with your wife about trying. My youngest just turned 4. There could be problems biologically on your wife’s side (no blame here), but modern medicine can do a lot these days. Hell, give it a go. Why not right?

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psilosophist@reddit

I knew from a young age that I wasn't the type of person who should have kids - not because I don't like them, or am a bad person, but because it seemed like most folks who had kids seemed to do it because of some sense of duty, and seemed miserable. I had no interest in ever creating a life that I'd then feel resentful of.

So I'm child free (and snipped, for double measure) and am so happy to be able to sleep in on weekends and just kind of do whatever I want. I live a simple life with my partner and my silly hobbies and a job that pays me not that well but lets me work from home and leaves me the hell alone mostly. I'm perfectly fine with that.

I also recognize that this is partly due to how I was raised - no tight familial bonds, and no set "hometown" due to a couple moves that removed me from any sort of immediate family or cultural expectations. I was very much just doing my own thing most of the time, and still am.

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Bored_Acolyte_44@reddit

There are so many unwanted children in the world right now, and the future we're leaving for them isn't exactly the brightest.

If you're having regrets, I would suggest getting with an organization that helps those unwanted children already, you'll be able interact with kids, you'll make a difference in their lives, and you might just get the best of both worlds.

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2099AD@reddit

Fostering or adopting kids can be huge, both for you and the kids in question. Even something like joining a Big Brother/Big Sister program can really make a difference in those kids' lives.

Or, if you have any nieces or nephews, you could spend more time with them.

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