Don't talk to strangers

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FemaleMishap@reddit

Stranger danger inoculated a generation against less than 5% of the ways a child is victimised, while giving the dirty uncle a way in because he wasn't a stranger.

The vast majority of the bad things that happen to kids, are done at the hands of family, not a stranger.

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prayersforrain@reddit

Well the difference here is that the child initiated the conversation and was with a parent. Stranger danger implies none of those factors.

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Yeah, was thinking the same thing. I mean if you're a kid and you're lost/in danger you're told to find an adult. Obviously someone like a police officer or firefighter would be an optimal pick but any random adult is probably better than nobody.

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gabbadabbahey@reddit

Gavin De Becker in The Gift of Fear points out that odds are on the kid's side if he approaches a woman rather than a man, all other things equal. Because a kid might not be able to tell a security guard from a cop, and all bets are off in that case...a lot of security guards are not vetted well.

Just an interesting tidbit.

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pennie79@reddit

The advice I've heard, and have given to my little one, is to approach a mother with children. It's not foolproof, but it's a decent chance for safety. I've actually been approached by a lost kid following this advice when I took my little one to the zoo. We took him to the info kiosk, so presumably he was okay with them.

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Trinikas@reddit

Sure, but the kid could also get killed by a random car flying off the curb, the chances of some lost child happening to randomly pick the serial pedophile/murderer is pretty low.

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gabbadabbahey@reddit

Totally true. Just thought it was interesting food for thought.

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OmegaRainicorn@reddit

The child was the stranger and OP just avoided the danger like he was taught. Heaven only knows what could have happened, that kid could have kidnapped him and made them use a shampoo they didn’t like.

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PuppyJakeKhakiCollar@reddit

"It puts the shampoo on its hair or it gets tossed back in the lair."

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The_Dutchess-D@reddit

Hey there nice adult... I was just talking to little Timmy and he told me he's running late today and isn't going to be home from school on time, but I'm friends with him and he said that you should wash my hair instead

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Kazarak_Starflower@reddit

gif

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Conscious_Drawer8356@reddit

Thank you for this comment!! 😭

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prayersforrain@reddit

thanks for the chuckle :)

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ttttunos@reddit

Thanks. I will now be listening to the entirety of Dio's 1983 album 'Holy Diver '.

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fauxshoyall@reddit

Fwiw, I'm 43 and whenever some strange dude is trying to talk to me on the street I say "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers." I always get a funny look but I also get left the hell alone.

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Writefrommyheart@reddit

The kids mom was there, so what was wrong with at least saying hi.

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Secret_Bees@reddit

I think it was more of an observational post, but there's probably one of two different things coming into play. It could be that talking to strangers is so ingrained into OP, or rather the lack of talking to stranger, that their first instinct was not to talk to the kid and probably thought better of it several seconds after it was too late (this sort of thing happens to me all the time), or if they're male, it can be pretty ingrained into us that we don't interact with random kids lest we be seen as some sort of pervert

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gesis@reddit

The number of times I've been given the side eye from groups of moms while taking my own kid to events for children for the sin of having a penis is too damned high.

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andiinAms@reddit

I feel like it was kinda mean to ignore the kid lol

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Indubitalist@reddit

Yeah, similar thing happened to me picking up my kid from school. I’m waiting around for him to get released and this kid is monkeying around under a shade tree I’m standing by and he says “Hi.” I at first didn’t notice him talking to me but he said it again. “Hey, bud.” I said I reply. He then said “Hi” again. It was clear to me the kid was a little off, but again I said, “Hey, bud.” I took a couple of purposeful steps toward where I expected my kid would be coming from, but I had no qualms about returning the greeting, nor that he’d uttered it in the first place. I’d never seen that kid before in my life, nor his mom, who was standing nearby.

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That-Molasses9346@reddit

Yeah trunk or treat plays into this for me. All my formative years don't take candy from strangers in cars. Now we're taking kids to strangers to get candy from their cars... It bothers way more than it probably should but yea

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ValancyNeverReadsit@reddit

Trunk or treat bothers me in part because there’s an assumption that because it usually happens at a church it’s safe. With known individuals who are actually unvetted “because we know them.”

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Careful-Use-4913@reddit

Which isn’t really different than standard trick or treating, though.

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ValancyNeverReadsit@reddit

Exactly

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That-Molasses9346@reddit

You both miss the point entirely. It's different because we tell kids not to take candy from strangers especially those offering from cars. Then we go car to car to strangers giving out candy.

We don't tell kids not to knock on the neighbor's door.

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ValancyNeverReadsit@reddit

Just because we don’t say every thought in our head doesn’t mean we don’t get the point. We just decided to focus in on that bit.

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MotherofaPickle@reddit

Thing is, I trust the school’s trunk or treat. I would NEVER trust a church’s trunk or treat.

I grew up Catholic and live in an area where other denominations like to cover up a multitude of sins. The fiscal sins are never covered up, just the “we’re going to need to prosecute and sue so we can afford the therapy” sins.

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anOvenofWitches@reddit

The thing that gets me is stuff that has the kid’s name on it. Clothing, backpack, bumper stickers. This was like McGruff’s Rule #1 of what not to do.

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creamywhitemayo@reddit

I desperately wanted an LL Bean backpack with my name embroidered on it like a bunch of my friends had. My mom made me settle for just initials instead for this exact reason.

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cheerful_cynic@reddit

Those expensive ass diaper bags with their names embroidered

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HomeworkLess4545@reddit

Done experts think the Stranger Danger programs did more harm then good. Most abductions are by people you know!

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Echterspieler@reddit (OP)

I almost got kidnapped a couple times as a kid. One time this old guy was staring at me in the mall and was like " hey, come here" I went and got my mom and practically dragged her out of the mall. Put that kid i saw yesterday in that same scenario. I'd hate to see what happens.

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HomeworkLess4545@reddit

Also stranger danger made kids paranoid. Any time some adult said "Hey, come here" they would go around telling people they almost got kidnapped!

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Echterspieler@reddit (OP)

No 60 year old guy... no adult of any age has any business asking an 8 year old they dont know to come over to them.

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RabbitLuvr@reddit

tbf, our parents also told us not to trust strangers on the internet; but they're all-too willing to give all their financial info to random scammers.

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Electronic-Ride-564@reddit

For some reason kids in public or in stores will often say hi to me. Not sure if it's the beard or if I just look like a nice guy or something. I always make sure to acknowledge them while at the same time not lingering or being awkward because I don't want to be viewed as a creep or pedo.

We've really gone too far in the wrong direction. It's no wonder everyone is so socially impaired now.

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Echterspieler@reddit (OP)

Yeah I look innocent and young for my age so maybe I'm just approachable?

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Sidetrackbob@reddit

Because people starting with millennials in general seemed to have stopped parenting for real and don't teach kids anything and/ or just want to be their best friends and/or never stopped being a child themselves.

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Deep-Ad4351@reddit

Stranger danger was so very real to me. I remember it always being on the news, children’s specials, officers coming to talk to us about it, etc.

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More-read-than-eddit@reddit

I assume stuff like needing to rely on older helpers in the event of mass shootings etc plus increased security cameras and means of tracking people refocused things away from “man with a van” fears

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Indubitalist@reddit

It is pretty dark to think “we’ve got bigger problems” really became the solution to stranger-danger hysteria. It’s no longer that every lone adult is trolling for kids to kidnap, now it’s “every lone adult is going to shoot you.”

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More-read-than-eddit@reddit

I think it’s even creepier, more like “many of your peers will shoot you, slightly lower odds of the lone adult kidnapping you”

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Waddaya-want@reddit

As others have mentioned, the kid was with his parent, and therefore less cautious of who they speak to, because they know their "responsible parent" would police the situation if necessary.

I've had experiences from both ends of the spectrum. I'll give a couple of examples.

Experience 1: It was intermission time at the theatre, so I went to the toilet. The queue started from inside the washroom area, all the way out the door. As I got inside, the washroom area, there were a couple of kids in front of me (could've been siblings or friends). The queue was moving, but the girls remained chatting, and I think they were next in line for the next empty stall. So I politely said to them "please move forward girls 🙂". They didn't say a word to me. They just looked at me sheepishly and scuttled forward.

Experience 2: I was outside my house, and someone was helping me jumpstart the car. Walking past was a group of people containing 2-3 kids and 2 adults. As they walked past me, one of the little kids randomly asked me "is your car broken?" I said "I hope not!" The adults they were with then smiled with me and asked if I needed a hand.

So yeah, maybe these days (hopefully) kiddos are aware when its ok to talk to strangers and when its not (being with their parents vs when they're not)

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OshetDeadagain@reddit

Did anyone else have the Don't Talk to Strangers board game?

I taught my kids that if they're ever separated from us/lost for them to be the ones to go to an adult. Ideally the employee of a nearby store, but failing that, somebody who is just going about their day.

Odds of a random person they approach having ill intent is far lower than with a person who approaches them.

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foozebox@reddit

I had to explain the concept of a “friend you haven’t met” on Halloween this year to my 4 yo. She did not want to ring a strangers doorbell.

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OctoWings13@reddit

Then - "never get in a car with a stranger"

Now - "take an uber"

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Turbulent-Pea-8826@reddit

I have this weird power where kids gravitate and talk to me. As a guy in this day and age it’s not cool.

One day I was shopping for presents for my kids and this kid just starts following me around talking to me. I’m like, uh where are your parents? They were in the next isle. I got out of there before someone called the cops on me or something.

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Toblogan@reddit

Well the stats say a child is more likely to be murdered or abducted by someone they know, rather than a complete stranger. I don't know what the exact numbers are, but the fact was stated some time in the late 90's. As an extravert I felt totally vindicated!

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worksnake@reddit

Feeling vindicated…that’s how thy get you.

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full_of_ghosts@reddit

This, Also, "stranger danger" makes kids afraid of all adults they don't know, which is potentially dangerous and counterproductive. If a child is separated from their parents, approaching a random adult and asking for help is among the best things they can do.

Most adults are "safe," and will help the child. If the child picks at random, they're probabilistically likely to pick a safe, helpful adult.

If they fear and avoid all adults they don't know, they're sitting ducks for the bad ones.

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AshDogBucket@reddit

It also kind of creates this false dichotomy and an us versus them.. like, the people you know are all safe and the people you don't know are all unsafe. Well, yeah, cool, but statistically that's not true. So maybe it's not a great thing to teach.

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Indubitalist@reddit

And we basically have a generation of adults who grew up being told not to talk to strangers and they’re not inept at communication, and somehow having children of their own. It’s no wonder those kids stay buried in their smartphones every waking moment, they’ve been deprived of the formative social experiences that make them capable of engaging in light conversation.

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space_ibex@reddit

Fuck yeah dude don't encourage that shit. What kind of dork asks a stranger about their shampoo preferences in the store? What a little weirdo.

Plus it's like, oh yeah lemme just talk about bathing with this strange child while everyone in the country is steaming to see the Epstein files. See how that goes.

You made the right call.

We still shouldn't talk to strangers, and it's no excuse if they were born recently!

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Indubitalist@reddit

How do you ever meet new people if you don’t talk to strangers?

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Seven22am@reddit

I never did the "don't talk to strangers" thing with my kids, though I do hope I have taught them to be appropriately cautious, etc.

Oddly I had the other experience. A few weeks ago, I was in line for a pick-up order at Target and a child (7-8, maybe) asked her mom if she could go over to the buck spot, 10-15 yds away. "Yes, but remember, if an adult tries to talk to you, just start screaming." I couldn't believe it. I also couldn't believe when another nearby adult chimed to applaud her saying, "That's good advice." (The first woman, expectedly I suppose!, ignored her.) I really had to bite my tongue to stop from saying that was terrible advice, figuring later that someone who had this orientation to their fellow humans wouldn't really value my feedback.

I was shocked. Still am. I don't know how indicative this is of general trends, but...

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MotherofaPickle@reddit

I have a personal problem with this. My oldest is ASD and he’s been trained by school to, generally, follow the directions of anyone in an “authority” position. It’s incredibly hard to teach him about anything “bad” and how to handle it, because he completely shuts down when stressed. If he came across a para at some point (park, grocery store, any situation where I am momentarily distracted), I would never see him again. It’s a fine line between “independence” and “losing my firstborn”.

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Seven22am@reddit

True, I don't know that there weren't extenuating circumstances in these people's lives, whether differing abilities in the child's case or a past trauma in the adult's case. Certainly a possibility.

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Careful-Use-4913@reddit

Wow. That’s wild. I have taught my kids to scream as loud as they can if anyone in a public restroom attempts to be inappropriate with them. But, they know what’s inappropriate, and mere conversation isn’t that.

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Indubitalist@reddit

There’s just a ton of kids out there getting a mental complex about how dangerous individual human beings are. I was at a festival last weekend that had a stage where a variety of performances were going on, one of which, in a nutshell, was a martial arts demonstration with a philosophy that all strangers are a kidnapping threat and you need to prepare to fight back.

That this was being said at what’s supposed to be a fun festival celebrating the best season of the year aside fellow members of the community, most of whom you probably don’t know, was one thing, but the way the kids were talking about it on stage it was clear they were completely indoctrinated into this way of thinking, that not only should you not trust anybody, but that they actively wish you harm, just as a baseline assumption. It makes me said. Those kids are going to grow up so needlessly afraid of the world. To imagine what it must be like for them to be completely surrounded by strangers, wondering the whole time which of those strangers was going to try and kidnap them first…

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ProfessionalCoat8512@reddit

At least smile and acknowledge the kid. Lol

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Echterspieler@reddit (OP)

I did. forgot to mention that.

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ProfessionalCoat8512@reddit

Oh good haha.

We’re too young to be grumpy old people.

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kittibear33@reddit

Stranger danger got a bit over the top in the 90s. I would be more for stranger aware… stranger don’t be a dick… stranger have a nice day. 👋🏻

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MotherofaPickle@reddit

I had a kid, no more than 10 ask me how many kids I had and if I was planning on having more. That was the least personal question the kid asked. The kid even said, “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.”

What? Do parents not teach personal boundaries anymore?

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Designer-Bid-3155@reddit

I live in greater Boston. We openly tell strangers to fuck off.

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kittibear33@reddit

Kid: “hi. What kind of shampoo do you like?” Local in Boston: “fuck off.”

💀

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Purring4Krodos@reddit

When I was a kid, I was terrified of strangers. Every adult I did not know was 100% definitely going to kidnap and murder me. As I grew into my teens and 20s, this softened a lot and that is thanks to adults who just spoke to me like a human and were genuine, mostly good teachers, coaches, and school staff plus having an older brother with older friends around.

When my kids grew into little social demons, I gave warnings but not to the degree in which I was taught. This allowed them to be much more comfortable while having discernment and learning along the way.

So for me, I am going to talk to kids. If there is something absurd or funny or even scary happening, I am going to speak and meet them where they are at while still having boundaries. Previous generations were terrible with context, nuance, and boundaries. Forget about discernment. That was seen as "bucking authority" and God forbid we do that. I had to learn a lot and in my own ways. I passed that on to my kids, who are now in their early 20s, and we still work on it fairly regularly in conversations.

The downside of this is I somehow became "the cool mom" in many aspects but then also was known for holding the line of "I am the adult and you are not there yet so chill tf out".

Idk. There are no easy answers or "right" or "wrong" ways necessarily. Like everything else we have had to do, we just have to figure it out. My priority is to always be a safe person in words and presence and follow through, when it comes to kids.

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Adlien_@reddit

In the '80s, an adult with bad intent could approach a kid without much consequence if they were trying to lure them. Today, there are cameras everywhere and the Internet. In my town, we get reports of when a car stops and tried to talk to kids and it becomes a topic that spreads quickly.

Not saying it's impossible to have adults sneakily trying to lure kids, but it's way more likely a stranger will use the Internet (looking at you, Roblox) to do the luring.

Online is where the stranger danger has moved to.

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cottoncandymandy@reddit

Why would you ignore that? Not every stranger has ill intentions. It's good for kids to know how to talk to people they don't know. There's a balance between stranger danger and conversation. Its ok to talk to kids who ask you questions? It's rude to ignore people. Even kids. Just talk to them like humans.

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IndomitableAnyBeth@reddit

What could be dangerous about him asking you that while shopping with his mother?

I'm a bit younger than you, but my parents never told me not to talk to stangers... for the very good reasons that people you know are much more likely to do you harm, sometimes you need help from someone you don't know, and because it was much more reasonable to teach me good instincts and allow me the freedom to follow them instead of any hard and fast "rule". I was notoriously willing to talk to anyone around us the checkout till so long as I was with one of my parents. They rather encouraged me to test out those instincts they'd taught me while I was beside them or, later, simply within sight. Because of this, just a few times after some disturbed woman stalked tiny me through the store to the point she was not just kicked out but banned, at three years old I had a very firm talk with a man who thought me similarly adorable but who seemed less threatening and proved that true by being willing to actually listen to me and give what I needed for me to feel comfortable and safe. Because one of the options I gave included me not hearing certain things, we even developed hand signals so I could indicate if we were good. After that, my parents said I had a good head on my shoulders for when and how to speak up for myself to adult strangers.

Which was good, because the next year, I was put in just the kind of situation your parents warned you against. A strange man who had been behaving oddly (by circling the block while staring at us) offered my cousins and I candy that we could find deep in his hatch-back if only we were brave enough to crawl in and get it. No way in hell! My eldest cousin, 11, made sure to keep we younger too clear away, but I thought she was being too polite. Once I felt I was far enough from and close enough to the to store that I could make a break for it if I needed, I let loose on him. How dare he make us uncomfortable like he was doing? Why he think he can convince us we'd all like his nasty old trunk candy so much anyhow? Nobody with any sense would think we all liked the same thing anyway. We just got bags of our favorites anyhow and they're different every one. He kept on, so with stakes of him leaving immediately or me telling at least two local adults he was smarter than I thought, in consultation with my cousins, I bet him that in three tries he couldn't name the three candies we all liked enough to sometimes get. And he didn't so, humiliated by a preschooler, he drove away and we ran back by a different route. Immediately telling on the man in the white car offering candy for getting in the back. So disturbing.

Around the same age, I talked to what turned out to be a dangerous crazy man while making sure I was safe and getting enough information to give a credible police report. He was more dangerous than he seemed but I followed our family plan, never let him get close to me and made sure I could reach safety long before he could get to me. He'd been hiking for weeks and was mad at people and trees because they were tall, loud, and thought too much of themselves. Standing ten seconds from me while I was a second and a bit from in-home, he asked how old I was. Wondering where it would lead, I answered, asking why. He said he was glad I was too small and young for him to have to hurt, if I were three years older, it'd be different. Indeed, before he was caught, he broke an eight year old girl's leg as she got home from school with a shovel he'd stolen from a neighbor down the street. Not talking to him didn't protect her. Me talking to him while bring safe at least got some information. As far as I understand, the police caught him attacking some trees shortly after dusk. Because of me, they closed him in silently, communicating with only their flashlights. My urging got the police department to ultimately modify their policies regarding taking report of young children given a somewhat lower level of harm than they required at the time.

While it didn't save me from all ill, I'm glad I was taught how to talk to strangers of my choosing and how to stay as safe as need be while I did so.

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Mountain-Fox-2123@reddit

Stranger danger did a lot more harm than good.

Because research shows that the vast majority of child sexual abuse and other crimes are committed by someone the child knows, including family, friends, and other trusted adults. Focusing on "stranger danger" can blind people to the risks that come from those closer to home, like family members.

Experts suggest focusing on teaching children to recognize and report suspicious behavior from anyone, rather than solely on strangers. The reality is that abusers are often people the child and their family trust, and they may even hold positions of power within a community.

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Life_Grade1900@reddit

Stranger danger was always bullshit, parents just got tired of listening to their kids talk

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Epicardiectomist@reddit

"Stranger Danger" arguably made society less safe.

Even casting aside the historical evidence of where a kidnapper is most likely to come from, it made kids hesitant to ask for help. A child approaching a stranger asking for help is overwhelmingly going to receive a positive response, but children were programmed to think every adult is a monster in disguise.

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Indubitalist@reddit

It’s basically teaching the opposite of reality, as children are being programmed to believe almost every stranger is dangerous, when in reality the odds of a stranger doing you harm in public is a tiny fraction of a percent.

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AshDogBucket@reddit

I think maybe we have a better understanding of abuse Etc now, so rather than just a blanket don't talk to strangers... they are more aware of how to stay safe while still being able to say hello to people. I don't know if that makes any sense.

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psilosophist@reddit

I mean, you just became the grumpy old person who wouldn't even smile at them.

"Stranger Danger" was paranoia - most abductions have historically been done by people the victim knows.

Here's your chance to leave the poisonous past behind, next time a friendly kid says hi, say hi back! It's totally ok.

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Echterspieler@reddit (OP)

I did give him a little smile. I work retail so I have kids talking to me all the time. i'll usually just say Hi back at them

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CheesyRomantic@reddit

Maybe this child you encountered is just very sociable.

My kids definitely would never talk to a stranger. They are too shy to even approach and talk to kids their own age at the park. Even when they approach my kids, my kids get quiet.

But I also don’t see anything wrong with a child being this social, if they’re with their parents/an adult.

Or maybe they chit-chat with strangers but would never leave with a stranger.

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Far-Slice-3821@reddit

Stranger danger is stupid. 99% of the time, strangers are safer than family members or youth ministers.

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steveweber314@reddit

along the same lines, you see way more people with dogs in public nowadays. my kids always wanna pet them, so we had to teach them to ask permission first. back in the day, my parents would have said stay away from that big mean scary animal it might bite you and give you rabies

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DeadheadCaniac@reddit

Isn't acknowledging people while you're out walking/running considered a safety measure now? Kid's just starting early.

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Combat__Crayon@reddit

As the joke goes, we were told: dont talk to strangers, dont use your real name on the internet, dont let people from the internet know where you live, dont get into a car with a stranger. Now we use the internet to call a stranger to our house specifically to get in a car with them.

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ValancyNeverReadsit@reddit

Huh. Maybe that’s why I can’t make myself use Uber

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SirGreenDragon@reddit

I think this idea of stranger danger is a big reason we are where we are. We didn't teach kids to trust others, we taught them to trust no one. Is it any wonder that when someone knocks on your door and you didn't expect visitors that people get stressed. A knock at the door in the 80s felt great. A friend had dropped by. Is it any wonder people don't trust their employer or co-workers? In some parts of the country people still greet strangers on the street. "Strangers stopping strangers just to shake their hand" and "Are you kind" are the most important song lyrics every written.

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Free-Cherry-4254@reddit

Don't talk to strangers, definitely dont get into a stranger's car, and dont meet with people you meet on the internet. Now we use the internet to summon a stranger to get in their car and have them take us somewhere. The world has definitely changed.

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IndyDude11@reddit

Now you're the stranger his mom has to warn him about.

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smooshie-mooshie@reddit

I still repeat stranger danger and still dont talk to people that I dont know but i'll talk to kids.

Unless they are creepy Lil kids like from children of the corn. I dont need shampoo that bad...

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Expensive-Day-3551@reddit

Children aren’t afraid to talk and that is ok. I always hated the seen and not heard. It’s ok to let kids be kids, be curious, ask questions.

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Significant_Dog412@reddit

I think the fact that so many instances of real child abuse actually came from adults KNOWN to the child rather than a stranger has undermined that old message.

That said, I think the message is still pushed online to kids, where it's much easier for people to pretend they're someone they're not and much easier for wrong 'uns to reach out to kids.

I remember a creepy UK TV online safety ad in the late 00s/early 10s where you heard what sounded like a pre teen boy speaking about things a pre teen boy would, only for the ad to reveal that the voice was coming from a middle aged man.

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BloodyWellGood@reddit

Bangin Rick Springfield song tho

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questions6486@reddit

Young people are more encouraged to communicate with adults in general. Their parents are actually expected to parent them and talk to them, as opposed to our parents.

I work with teens, and they are way more open with me than any in teen was when I was growing up. I occassionally have to remind them to think before they show me something on their phone, because if it's bad, I will have to report. Instead of running away scared, they will actually just stop and think for a second before continuing the conversation. Just full trust there and context consideration there.

Most of the way our generation was raised would be considered emotional if not overt neglect these days. Which was better than most of our own parents got, but still.

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_--_Osiris_--_@reddit

I've noticed this too. I don't have kids either so I'm even more awkward. Are we supposed to be talking to these random kiddos out there?