Parent wants to use my address to receive post. How can I tell him no?
Posted by Charming_Falcon_6546@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 64 comments
I am moving into a rented accommodation soon where I will be living with someone else. The other person is also renting, we are going to be a house share.
My father has no fixed address in UK, he lives in a van. He wants to send his post to my new address such as his bank cards, any bank statements etc.
He was receiving post to my current address, and while it wasn’t a problem because I am living with my ex right now, I don’t want him to be sending letters to my new address , simply because I’d have to ask the landlord and my new housemate whether they’re ok with it.
I don’t want to do it. I also don’t want to deal with his post, he has received driving fines to my current address, had a company registered, etc (though he is dissolving the company). What valid reason can I use to tell him no ? As when I said that I don’t think landlord would allow it, he asked why wouldn’t they? He is very cheeky and feels everyone should bend to his needs.
Is there any service he can use to receive his mail? What about driving license? Insurance ? V5?
I simply don’t want to be receiving any more letters addressed to him.
knight-under-stars@reddit
This sounds like a massively petty reason to be honest.
I genuinely hope that when my kids grow up "having a simple conversation" is not enough of a reason in their heads to stop them helping me out.
Charming_Falcon_6546@reddit (OP)
I wasn’t sure whether extra information was relevant. It was already very difficult to find a place for me due to having a pet and it was barely approved too. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes as I don’t have a support system here and I don’t want to risk getting on the wrong side of my new landlord when I haven’t even moved in yet. I cannot risk my housing.
I don’t mind helping my father out however, he seems to only have a relationship with people that are “of use” to him. I also then have to deal with his post, such as dealing with driving fines, forwarding his mail somewhere else where I don’t get compensated and sending things over to his accountant because “he doesn’t have time”
It’s hard to have a relationship with him as he’s never been the nicest person if things don’t go his way and it causes me heaps of anxiety when I already have bigger things to deal with.
That’s why I don’t want to do it, but it’s difficult to just tell him no. I understand it is stupid and that I’m a grown adult, but it’s not simply because I don’t want to help my family member. I don’t want to help him specifically.
knight-under-stars@reddit
Why on Earth would having a perfectly reasonable conversation with your landlord possibly risk you getting on the wrong side of him?
I think you are over catastrophising something completely trivial.
Charming_Falcon_6546@reddit (OP)
Maybe I am over catastrophising, I’m not going to disagree with that , it has just been a difficult time for me with things changing but he is making his post my problem and now I have to worry about this too. The last time he was allowed to use my address he set up a company with the address being all over public register and because of that there are many letters that just keep coming.
I simply don’t want this “problem” in my life, he has never helped me, so there’s a part that is just tired of constantly helping him.
knight-under-stars@reddit
You are making way bigger a deal over this than you need to.
Never helped you? Your Dad has "never helped you"? Is that actually the truth or more silliness?
uchman365@reddit
You have absolutely no idea about OP's life situation except the few sentences here, so why do you feel the need to challenge their lived experience?
What kind of sheltered life have you lived to assume every single parent is a responsible one??
Meowskiiii@reddit
You are not being helpful.
txteva@reddit
Their Dad sounds like a piece of work - is it surprising OP has done confidence issues.
And yeah, can my bankrupt living in a van Dad send his driving conviction letters to a house he doesn't live in is a red flag and reflects poorly on OP.
Trentdison@reddit
Why would you need to ask them that? Ok I get giving the housemate a heads up (so they don't mark as return to sender), but so what?
These things won't affect you other than the physical matter of handing some letters through your door and storing them until your father collects them.
I do wonder if you are labouring under the misconception that this affects you in wider ways. It doesn't. For peace of mind you could request your father makes it clear to all correspondents that this new address is a 'care of' address because he has no fixed abode.
But aside from that, as someone else said, no is a complete sentence. Because I don't want to is a complete justification.
uchman365@reddit
I wouldn't be too sure about that especially if they share the same surname, it could be a real headache to sort.
SillyStallion@reddit
Oh they will. You could end up with the stress of bailiffs turning up on the doorstep to recover debt and having to prove your identity and you live there.
Trust me it's stressful! They don't give up...
OP if you ever end up with bailiffs at the door don't let them know him...
Charming_Falcon_6546@reddit (OP)
He won’t do the last part. He will pretend that he lives there, just won’t put himself on electoral register or council tax . He would use the address for all other things such as insurance, v5, driving license, and other things he needs.
I’m not worried about this affecting me on a wider scale, I’m fully aware this would not impact me in a personal way such as credit , etc. it’s not just an odd letter either , it’s multiple times a week.
If I just say no, guilt trips and questions begin. He is an adult himself and when I told him that I’m moving out of my current place due to relationship breakdown his first question was “what am I going to do with my post? Where can I register everything now?” He’s very self absorbed who only cares about how things will affect him.
Trentdison@reddit
Ok so it really comes down to
"No"
The rest is just fluff he's trained you, deliberately or otherwise, to do your whole life.
Cromises_93@reddit
This OP. He's an adult and can figure out his own problems. His happiness is not your responsibility.
Tacklestiffener@reddit
"Sorry Dad, my landlord has specifically said we can't use the address for non-residents. Apparently he's been stung in an identity theft thing before"
Healthy_Brain5354@reddit
I’m not sure how true this is but I have been told that how many people receive post at an address is monitored so the landlord could get in trouble if anyone suspects he is running an HMO without a license.
mij8907@reddit
With someone like your dad, remember No can be a complete sentence, don’t justify why you’re not going to do it just tell him it doesn’t work and he needs another plan
Also he can have his cards sent to a branch of his bank and they’ll hold them for him
Nolan_q@reddit
Also if he has a bad credit rating it will then drag your credit rating down as it’s considered he’s living in the same property
Ok_Key_51@reddit
While I think it’s a terrible idea for OP to let their dad use their address, a person’s credit score is not affected by the people they live with unless they are financially linked by a joint current account, marriage or the like.
Delicious-Cut-7911@reddit
PO box
Charming_Falcon_6546@reddit (OP)
I was looking into it however , it just seems that you send your post there, rather than being able to register driving license, insurance, etc , that’s why I’m stressing over it because if I say no then I have to hold his hand through the process of changing everything over.
SillyStallion@reddit
Ho you don't have to hamd hold him. He's an adult and can sort it himself. How did he cope before you were born?
noradrenaline@reddit
If he starts doing that, slowly fade him down - leave his texts unopened for a couple of days, let his calls ring to voicemail and don’t listen, then answer a couple of days later and say you’ve been so busy - he’s a grown adult who can take care of himself and he shouldn’t be putting this on you, but confrontation can be really hard so slowly dialling back like that might help make him ease off without you having to spell it out.
fathersdaysonsunday@reddit
‘No, it’s not my house and it’s not upto me, I asked and they specifically told me no’
a4991@reddit
Use/blame the landlord in this situation, you’ve already said you don’t think the landlord would be happy with that so extend the truth a bit when you talk to your dad.
Can he get a PO Box? Not sure how it works, so can’t offer advice!
Hobbies_88@reddit
For PO Boxes - User pays e.g $100 to set up for the whole year in my residing country ( SG ) & IS a yearly payment Until Cancelled BUT Needs a FIXED Address to use ... And you pay to Post office directly ....
gwynevans@reddit
Wrong country for OP…
Hobbies_88@reddit
As an example .... there are different rules in regards to different countries .....
Hobbies_88@reddit
I Did NOT say it was in OP's country ....
Hobbies_88@reddit
So .... maybe ???
iCuppa@reddit
Your dad lives in a van, which makes it hard to interact with some organisations, especially insurance of all things. He will need a fixed address to use for these purposes. It's a normal thing for people who live in vans to do. Most use a family member's address because it's someone they can trust.
You can continue to help your dad out, as you have been doing, as there is no fraud, financial or legal reason not to do this, you're just doing your dad a favour, however you can also choose not to help him.
If you choose to help him, just put all his post in a pile and make him aware that's all your going to do. If you choose not to help him, tell him the reason you don't want to help him. If you feel unable to speak honestly about this, yeah, just make up a lie - tell him your housemate or landlord is being weird about it.
syllo-dot-xyz@reddit
Don't use the "Landlord told me not to" thing a lot of people are saying.
I get the logic, but the dad is probably aware the landlord couldn't give a fuck, and there's also NO need for OP to be fibbing about anything, they are well within their rights to just say no.
There are post-office/redirect-services, virtual/post-boxes, even charities offering help for homeless people, tell him you are not comfortable holding his mail but you're happy to help him explore options.
If he doesn't want to explore options, then that's the end of the conversation as far as you're concerned.
Daemorth@reddit
The Post Office has a service for that, good luck convincing him to set it up
drummerftw@reddit
Sometimes. It's hit and miss whether any given post office will actually agree to it (speaking from experience).
There are services you can pay for though, such as www.boatmail.co uk
Academic_Shoulder959@reddit
This is the correct answer. If you’re otherwise on good terms with your dad, you can just say, ‘Sorry, dad, but as I’m moving into a flat share I don’t think my flatmate and landlord will approve. But look, the post office have this service, why don’t we go down the post office and sort it out?’
dennisthepennis69@reddit
You don't need to ask anyone if they're ok with it, perfectly acceptable to let him use it as a mailing address.
Grow a spine and say no if you can't be arsed with it
hilary_m@reddit
Had bailiffs turn up for person who no longer lived in my house. It was a nightmare getting them to go away. Say your housemates have had similar experiences and don’t want them again.
hilary_m@reddit
In the uk Post office PO Boxes are for anonymising - you still need a physical address. Some commercial organisations will rent a PO Box and hold mail for you.
heyylisten@reddit
I don't see why anyone would want to screw over their dad like that. Your landlord won't care or notice unless you tell him. Your flat mate most likely won't care either. Why so much anxiety
non-hyphenated_@reddit
Did you miss the bit where the dad set-up a company at his son's address?
RufusRobin@reddit
And?
non-hyphenated_@reddit
For a kickoff many landlords won't allow you to "run" a business from their residential property. The registration could put op in breach of his tenancy agreement. HMRC can turn up unannounced at the address if there are future issues with the business and it's a good bet that someone living in a van will hit regulatory issues at some point. The op is about to get drowned in junk mail as the address will appear on the register at companies house. There's a ton of official mail that the op will now need to sort and pass on. If dad does trade in any way and pisses someone off or lets them down, guess where the punter is turning up?
There's a reason registered address services exist for companies.
Ruskythegreat@reddit
I completely agree which is why I'm shocked why people still use their home as their registered business address and not a registered address service or their accountants
Charming_Falcon_6546@reddit (OP)
But yes I already get a lot of junk mail that I also have to sort through and then hold for him, but it can be relentless. If the new address ends up on the register then I risk someone else using the address to open fraudulent companies. Things like that are absolutely rife at the moment
Charming_Falcon_6546@reddit (OP)
He is telling me that he will be dissolving his current company but it’s hasn’t happened yet , I don’t know when it’s happening and I fear if I give him new address he will use it. I wouldnt put it past him.
DOPEYDORA_85@reddit
Sorry folks nope. You can go set a po box up though which I'll help you set up, but that's as far as it will go
Unusual_residue@reddit
I find it quite sad that OP has felt compelled to seek advice from Reddit on how to communicate with a parent.
beneyh@reddit
It’s just post?
throw4455away@reddit
Issue is as his registered address if he gets into problem with debt the bailiffs will be at OPs door
bishibashi@reddit
My dad is also a selfish twat, and often tries to get me to pretend he lives at my address because it makes it easier if he’s getting a new passport/driving license etc. He lives in France and is not terribly sly so I know as soon as he establishes residence here he’ll try to claim pension credit and god knows what else, and I’m not having any part in that.
Anyway, as others have said there’s a time when you just have to say no.
Charming_Falcon_6546@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your comment. While he does work here under self employment, he doesn’t want to rent a place for himself because he only stays on the weekends and wanted to save money.
It’s just hard to say no as I’ve always been made to feel that I’m not allowed and it’s not a good time for me if I say no.
Cromises_93@reddit
You've just got to stand your ground and say no at the end of the day. I know it's unbelievably difficult but you need to look out for yourself as no one else will.
Had a similar issue when I was 17-19 with parents just not having any respect for my boundaries and not being allowed to have an opinion or do anything/get grades that wasn't to their liking or there was hell to pay for it. It got to a point where I just erupted at both of them as I physically couldn't take it anymore. It was a bad time but our relationship nowadays (early 30's) is a lot better now.
EnormousMycoprotein@reddit
A service like Boatmail would suit your dad. It's mostly for canal boat folk, but the challenges are similar to the van ones.
intrepidanon@reddit
Just say no, sorry. It's shared accomodation and there's a chance it'll go missing.
Valuable-Wallaby-167@reddit
Honestly, don't try to come up with reasons. If you give an excuse he'll be right back on you when you move. You need to make it clear that it just isn't something you're willing to do anymore. It might make things a bit shit with your dad in the short term but it'll make things easier in the long term if you start putting boundaries in.
Unitmal@reddit
You say "no" and he sets up a PO box at his post office.
robster9090@reddit
What an odd thing to want to do
Connect-Smell761@reddit
“I asked the landlord and he was very clear that he’d kick me out if that happened.”
Savings-Seea@reddit
Write "No such person at this address" on the mail you get for your MIL at your address.
It's extremely important to address this issue because getting mail sent to your address is a way to establish residency in some cases and could be used to make a case for grandparents rights or living with you and requiring an eviction notice and all sorts of legal nightmare actions.
Take it to the post office and talk to them about it if you have to, get the Post Office General involved and lawyers. However, do not ignore this or let this get away from your list of top priorities to get settled as it will fuck you in so many different ways if you ignore it.
Pancovnik@reddit
Thing #1: Hi dad I asked the landlord and they said no If they put more pressure or start manipulating you, stand your ground (I know, easier said than done). You won't solve toxicity/manipulation by giving into it.
Think #2: He is an adult and can try to figure it out himself. You don't own them a service of finding a solution to their problem I presume this is not sudden day-on-day thing. They got enough time to sort
Rassilon182@reddit
I don’t see why you have an issue with this. Receiving your dad’s mail is none of your housemates business nor your landlord’s. You could have power of attorney and be supporting him for all they know.
iSeeBetweenTheLines@reddit
Valid reason? That you don’t want to be have the responsibility. ‘No, I don’t want to’ is a valid enough reason
CaersethVarax@reddit
"No." Is a complete sentence.
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